Wit of Steel

I can jump higher than mountains. Mainly because mountains can’t jump.

I show a girl who the boss is by handing her a mirror.

Twitter is worth $10 billion. And that’s just in lost productivity.

If you ever hit rock bottom, bring some beer. I’m almost out.

The fact of the matter is, I have no clue what I'm doing.

Is there another word for synonym?

If you ever need anything, please don’t hesitate to ask someone else first.

What do you call someone who’s scared of KFC? A chicken.

I love a good meal. So I don't cook.

Suspect you have schizophrenia? Don’t worry, you’re not alone.

All you get when you pick my pocket is practice.

I always try to pull feminists. That way I know they’ll pay for half of the meal when we go to dinner.

The new Internet Explorer is out. Which means I can download a new browser even faster now.

If women ruled the world, a country would get bombed every 28 days.

3.14 per cent of sailors are pi rates.

The neighborhood watch is having a meeting about the creepy guy and I’m the only one not invited...

I’m in shape. Round is a shape.

I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.

Talking to me in the morning is like trying to dribble a ball with not enough air in it.

Optimism: the eternal belief that you’re always one third of the way to a threesome.