Nickelodeon should do a stream for the presidential debates like they do for the NFL. If I’m gonna follow along, I need SpongeBob & Patrick to explain to me what a Two-State solution is

My wife keeps losing her wedding ring at the bar lol! She’d lose her damn head if it wasn’t screwed on 🤣🤣🤣

Business Idea: A bar of soap that’s 7x bigger than a normal bar so you only have to wash your hands once a week

Just executed a flawless Clog & Jog (Clog toilet -> demand a different hotel room)

I am rage incarnate (my tummy hurts)

My email with my full name that I’ve had since 13 is unusable. It is a rotting carcass filled with maggots. 100 emails a day about god knows what. Someone from Iran logs into it once a week and changes the password. It’s time to pull the plug

I’m gonna be the uncle that asks to hold the new born baby and they say “uhhh she’s actually really tired right now”

Cops in horror movies are useless Woman: please officer help Cop: it’s probably just old pipes in your house ma’am Woman: my daughter was skinned alive in her room Cop: probably a draft from the open window. Ma’am, don’t call again unless you’re in real danger

To the people that think it’s “hilarious” to piss and poop all over the toilet seats at the bar: guys like me have to wipe up with our bare hands and rub it on our tummies. Grow up.

Oh I was a “burden to my family,” huh? Ok hot shot, then why did my parents say if it wasn’t for me they would’ve gotten divorced way sooner?

Had to rush my dog to the vet this morning. I don’t know what’s wrong with her but her poop tastes really weird