ALT Screenshot of Google search page, with the prompt "Who coined the term New York minute?" and a result saying "It was coined by William Shakespeare in his play "Merchant of Venice."

ALT 1 HER: Why aren’t you coding? HIM: I'm reading about this “write once, run anywhere” cross-platform framework the CTO wants us to use. 2 HIM: All you have to do is write your UI code in a proprietary language based on… VB6… in a browser-based IDE... 3 HIM: ...and to compile your app you just pay a small fee, and then they… mail your binaries to you… 4 HIM: … on CD-ROM. HER: Write once, run anywhere, eh? HIM: In this case the 'anywhere' in question is definitely 'away'.

ALT 1 HIM: Why aren’t you coding? HER: I did something stupid: I applied for a job at FxxxXxxX*. HIM: How did it go? * Redacted for don’t sue me reasons. 2 HER: Well, for the first round they sent me this cringeworthy personality test. Here’s one of the questions: When I think of the word ‘users’ I feel: (A) Love, (B) Joy, (C) Indifference, or (D) Undisguised loathing. 3 HIM: Yuck. I hate bullshit psychometric tests. HER: I know, it was enough to put me off the whole thing, so I just answered (D) for every single question. 4 HIM: Well, at least it’s over now. HER: Not really. I just got an email telling me I’ve been fast-tracked for final interview with their product team.

ALT 1 HER: Why aren’t you coding? HIM: I’m just reading this new directive from the CTO. 2 HIM: Apparently, effective immediately we’re going to consolidate all our microservices into one monolithic application to improve performance and reliability. 3 HER: Seriously? We only just finished breaking up the old monolith into microservices. Why do we keep changing this stuff? 4 HIM: Keep your voice down! Rewrites are the only way we justify the team’s continued existence. Do you like that expensive office chair? HER: I mean, kinda? HIM: Then nod and smile and start rewriting.

ALT 1 HER: Why aren’t you coding? HIM: I’m working on my novel. I’ve finally come up with a concept that’s completely fresh, original and unexpected. 2 HER: Let me guess: A dashing young programmer with a creative streak must use his unique set of skills to… I don’t know, defeat the hackers, save the world and get the girl? 3 … 4 HIM: Well now I need to think of a whole new concept.

ALT 1 HIM: Why aren’t you coding? HER: I got roped into looking after my neighbour’s 3-year-old for the day. 2 HIM: I… don’t see a child here…? HER: Oh, no, he’s back at my flat. I’m monitoring him via an iPad webcam. He’s very self-reliant, so it’s more efficient this w-HEY! HEY! 3 HER: PUT THE IPAD DOWN. DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT PUT IT IN THE MICROW-... dammit. 4 HIM: Well, it was a nice idea while it lasted. HER: Do you know anywhere that sells spy drones that have, like, immediate delivery?

ALT 1 HER: Why aren’t you coding? HIM: I’m looking at this office floor plan… how come your seat is marked as a hot desk? 2 HER: Oh, that’s because technically I’m only here temporarily. I actually live in San Francisco, so my permanent desk is there. 3 HIM: But you’ve been working in this office for years. Your house is right round the corner. HER: Well, yeah, that’s really only temporary accommodation. Legally speaking I’m a San Francisco resident. 4 HIM: Let me guess: your salary is at San Francisco market rates? HER: Maybe... HIM: How do you get away with this stuff? HER: Honestly? I think it’s my winning smile and positive attitude.

ALT 1 HER: Why aren't you coding? HIM: The CTO wants me to research this expensive consultant, to decide if we want him to coach the team on how to be more agile. 2 HER: Is he any good? HIM: Well, his presentation is impeccable. Check it out: his logo is a rocket ship which is also a process diagram for product development. 3 HER: Rocket ship? Diagram? That’s... just a crudely drawn penis. HIM: No, no, you see, those two circles are the design cycle and the development cycle, and then that big loop in the middle is the product feedb-... oh no... 4 HER: What's his training course called? The Mythical Man Junk? The Agile Manlyphallusto? HIM: I’m supposed to spend all day analysing this diagram, but now all I see is this guy’s package.

ALT 1 HER: Why aren't you coding? HIM: I’m working on my mental health. 2 HIM: See, I was talking to my therapist about how I keep sabotaging my personal relationships. HER: Ok…? 3 HIM: And she said I need to stop perpetuating patterns of toxic behaviour that I know will make me miserable. Which got me thinking.... 3 HIM: Relationships aside, the pattern of behaviour that makes me most miserable is- HER: Writing software every day in exchange for a salary? HIM: Yup! So I’m trying not doing that. I have to say, so far I feel great!

ALT 1 HIM: Why aren’t you coding? HER: Do you… do you think our user interface has become a little unintuitive? 2 HIM: No, why do you ask? HER: Well, I’m thinking: Imagine if you saw this screen for the first time. How would you work out how to, say, upload an image? 3 HIM: Well that’s easy. You’d just… I mean you’d probably think that… uh... 4 HIM: ...I suppose you’d try to click… uh, but then… oh… god… oh no, no, no… HER: Yeah, I’m thinking we might be due a redesign. HIM: ...aaaaaaaaaa...

ALT 1 HIM: Why aren’t you coding? HER: All these new security features we’re building have got me thinking about cakes. 2 HER: It’s like… I know you’ve got cake in your satchel, and I want you to share it with me, but I don’t want anyone else to see otherwise we’ll have to share it with them too. 3 HER: But equally, even by talking to you about the cake, I’m risking someone else hearing about it, so both the item and the communication about that item need to be kept secret. 4 HIM: Hang on, so is this some sort of elaborate metaphor for our new security system? HER: No, I’m saying I’m hungry, so keep your voice down and pass me your damn satchel.

ALT 1 HER: Why aren’t you coding? HIM: I can’t stop thinking about something my 4-year-old nephew said this weekend. 2 HIM: He was playing a game on my phone where he had to put in a password to open a treasure chest. 3 HIM: The password was supposed to be 1234, but he got cross with that, saying: “That’s not a password, that’s just counting!” 4 HER: That kid has better instincts for information security than every client I’ve ever worked with. HIM: I know, right?

ALT 1 HER: Why aren’t you coding? HIM: The new hire keeps emailing me proposals for how to improve our system. 2 HIM: But she doesn’t yet know why things are the way they are, so how can she possibly know how to make things better? 3 HIM: I get that she wants to look smart to make a good impression, but honestly, this is doing the complete opposite. 4 HER: You know, all her suggestions seem pretty sensible to me. HIM: THAT’S NOT THE POINT!