Watching Neil deGrasse Tyson explain the universe reminds me to let my dog in before the creepy kid next door feeds her his "experiment".

My favorite constellation is Neil deGrasse Tyson's 'fro and 'stache combo. I am pretty Zeus shot his first lightening bolt from Neil's aura.

Neil deGrasse Tyson would molest Orion if he could the belt off.

Bono likes to think he is not mainstream? Suckling from the teet of pop is worse than sucking The Man's knob. We all work for The Man, bro.

Leave it to the waiting room of a doctor's office in an Atlanta hospital to bore me back into the twitter.

Planning a wedding feels a lot like staring at the wall and nodding my head occasionally.

The Ancient Aliens guys know a lot about extraterrestrials from thousands of years ago, but nothing of combs, hygiene, or human vaginas.

Stress feels a lot like Smurfs watching racquetball.

There is nothing more awkward than locals' night at a small town strip club.

Everything I know about a quality Dutch oven was taught to me by my dog. She farts smellier than a lactose intolerant vegan eating dairy.

My life's best moment can only be verified by the daps of old white men.

Little Known Fact: Jesus was hilarious, because he was really good at walking the fine line between racial jokes and racist jokes.

You can't hide self loathing under hundreds of fake smiles on the facebook, but please-please-please keep trying.

I will only ever date a stripper is she puts her clothes on the same way she takes them off... For money.

"Yeah, that's what I meant to do..." - Jimmy Hendrix upon hearing Stevie Ray Vaughan.

Functional alcoholism is an underrespected virtue.

Me: "Man, I feel like shit today." Him: "Yeah, allergies are awful right now." Me: "Yeah... Allergies." Definitely not alcoholism...

"I think I'll get back to jogging today.." Five minutes later: "Holy smoker's cough, Batman!" Every. Fucking.. Monday...

I've never seen good looks hide an ugly attitude.

Apparently college happened... I don't recall when