Wash Lively

"Time #flies when you're having fun!" he'd shout under the sheets. But the days of luring lonely baseball brides to his bed were brought to a bloody end by a jilted shortstop. Home plate was now 6 feet under. You might say it was the decline & fall of the roamin' umpire. #vss365

Edna stopped & stared at her reflection in the shop window. She hated what she saw. “Who could ever love this ugly creature with the #dappled & ruddy complexion?” she sighed. The shopkeeper approached the glass, flipped over the “Closed” sign, and turned off the lights. #vss365

"What brings you here today?" asked the recruiter. "Just trying to get my #foot in the door," said the snake. #vss365

“You have something in your beard,” I said disgustedly. “Soul #food,” replied The Devil. #vss365

"How much for a shaker of salt?" asked the frog. "It'll cost you an #arm and a leg," said the slug. #vss365

“What’s your spirit #animal?” she asked. “Vodka,” I replied. #vss365

It was bedtime at the cathedral. The bishop rolled over and gave the vicar a goodnight kiss. "I #pray you'll wake me well in time for morning mass." "Of course, your excellency," cooed the vicar, who then rolled over and told the priest: "Set an alarm for 5AM, bitch." #vss365

Their heavenly new neighborhood left a lot to be desired. “Turns out, even #utopia has a wrong side of the tracks,” she said. “True. But you have to admit, as a ghetto it’s absolutely perfect!” he replied. She winced as she scraped dog poo from her new white sandals. #vss365

The Devil, always the #charmer, had discovered a new way of tempting souls. Disguised as a bag of Doritos, he’d wait on the grocery shelf for someone to take him home. Later, as victims fell into a polyunsaturated coma, he’d whisk them away to his Cool Ranch far below. #vss365

"On the subject of tiresome #tropes, I find the talking family pet to be the most tedious," Edna announced. "I couldn't agree more," I thought. Meanwhile, our poodle was being interviewed in the backyard about his new doghouse. "It's a bitch to heat," he replied. #vss365

Dear Mr. Aesop, Thank you for submitting your recent fabulist volume for our consideration. While clever, we find your stories to be rather moralistic & preachy. Perhaps sex them up a bit? “One bird, one hand, two bushes” for #example. Regrettably, The Athena Press #vss365

"What does that even mean?" asked my little sister. She'd been watching some cable TV show about fetishes, and the host was being #spanked by a hooker. "What does what mean?" "Mom just said it. The weirdos are coming out of the woodwork." She paused, "What woodwork?" #vss365

My mother had been married so many times, I'd almost lost count. It seemed like a yearly event. "Husbands are my flowers," she'd say, after each one mysteriously vanished. Sadly, they weren't #perennials. Mom had planted them all in the garden, but none ever came back. #vss365

A touchy HR scenario failed to burgeon when Mario The #Lothario confessed he was yet a virgin. #vss365

In a parallel universe, trees carve their initials into people. I hear they #crave our flesh. #vss365

I'll say a word, then you tell me the first thing you think of. Ok? 𝑂𝑘. Mother. 𝐵𝑜𝑜𝑧𝑒. Father. 𝐵𝑜𝑜𝑧𝑒. Sister. 𝑳𝒐𝒗𝒆. Family. 𝑃𝑎𝑛𝑐𝑎𝑘𝑒𝑠. You're #keen on pancakes? 𝑵𝒐𝒕 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒚. Then why did you say that? 𝑰 𝒇𝒐𝒓𝒈𝒐𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒒𝒖𝒆𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏. #vss365

"Heads up," announced my sister, "she's been driving again." This was #brutal news. I dialed our mother's number, getting her voicemail. The outgoing message made my heart stop: "To the lovely person I accidentally ran over yesterday, apologies. I forgot to call 911." #vss365