"Okay, I have this under control..... is what I would say, if I had this under control"

Sounds about right. Shout-out to @ColetteCarr tho

I won't be taking questions at this time

Her: "Don't bother with any coronavirus pickup lines, I've heard them all" Me, nervously: "If COVID-19 doesn't take you out.... that'd be a real shame"

Finally! #AnimalCrossing #ACNH #NintendoSwitch

Oh, your island only has fruit trees? That's adorable #AnimalCrossing #ACNH

Actual footage of @NaughtyGinger08 trying to kill me with an axe #ACNH

Pretended I was @DougDeMuro and did a little car spotting this morning. Check out those front AND rear eyelashes on an otherwise completely normal Beetle!

Does Portland ever get any weather besides rain??

How to talk shit as a trucker

You: "I need to pee" Me, an intellectual: "My fuckin' teeth are floatin'!"

Facebook: "Your friends have birthdays today. Let them know they're in your thoughts!" Me:

"Stick a fork in me, I've had enough"

"There's no 'I' in 'fuck you'"

"I have kids, I'm not moving large quantities of drugs in my motorhome"

"I'm a big 24 frames per second guy"

New lock screen

I've started pointing and laughing at people who flip me off while driving instead of replying with my own middle finger. So far the results look promising.

Her: "I pay $300 a month for my minivan" Me: "Oof. Could've had a Saab" My answer to everything

Me: I think I'm getting sick My Brain: Well your diet is awful, you basically live on caffeine and nicotine, you never sleep, you probably drink too much, you work 14 hours a day.... Me: I can't believe I'm getting sick, this is bullshit

When someone says "bear in the air running radar" over the radio as you're flying down the highway