Very Real Wilbur Soot News

🚨 | Mark Boardman has officially become the first person to have an idea ever.

🚨 | Three years ago, them yellow-bellied varmints over yonder called Lovejoy gussied up to piss on Billy the Kid’s tombstone.

🚨 | Multiple sources report that Wilbur Soot has just sneezed.

🚨 | Wilbur Soot miraculously turns 30 years old today.

🚨 | Wilbur Soot tragically turns 30 years old soon.

🚨 | Wilbur Soot has taken up writing fanfiction to honor the fallen on Wattpad.

L*vejoy will soon be ******* **** in the *** *** ** **** while they **** **** ***** for a consecutive ** *****. Additional information to come.

🚨 | Wilbur Soot Vows to Become the End-All of Climate Change

🚨 | The primary cause of oil shortages has been linked to a certain gas . . .

Very Hungry Caterpillar

🚨 | Wilbur Soot was recently caught trespassing near a business that offers Banana Boat Rides after hours. When approached and taken into custody by law enforcement, the influencer had only this to say: “It was all boats and no bananas. What nonsense.”

🚨 YouTube will be removing the ability of creators on the platform to use custom thumbnails for their videos. The company believes that thumbnails featuring Wilbur Soot’s face are causing a depreciation in revenue.

🚨 The United States is celebrating the 250th anniversary of the day that the nation became independent from Great Britain. Wilbur Soot, official America Ass Kisser, will also be celebrating. “hmu Uncle Sam you sexy beefy man”

🚨 Today, Wilbur Soot went all the way. He confirmed that the experience would be one he will look back on fondly in his memories. “Prickly is how I might describe it. Prickly, but in a rapturous way.”