A lot of women are unaware of a particular species of mischievous time vampires that latch on to them in their early 20s. They present themselves as normal average men and develop a relationship but they DON'T propose or provide any clear goals towards marriage or children. They try to maintain this arrangement for at least 5 years, usually up to 10 if they can but seldom longer. Either when the woman reaches a breaking point about not being married or when she's well into her 30s, whichever comes first, this devious trickster will come before her and levitate off the ground by a few inches, rolling his eyes into the back of his head. As thunderous fog and flashes of light fill the living room of their apartment, the creature posing as a boyfriend will visibly and rapidly de-age into how he looked in his early 20s yet again. He will then point and laugh at the woman, howling and cackling before he throws a smoke bomb on the floor and disappears completely. She will be completely unable to find any trace of his existence as he morphs into a new identity to try and waste a younger woman's time. Within ten minutes of this occurring, a debt collections agency will knock on the door of what is now solely the woman's apartment. When she answers, she will be handed a bill that contains every possible expense the man ever paid for within the breadth of their relationship, with an aggressive APR tacked on which was accruing the whole time. Any attempt to vocalize this experience or inform others about what happened is hampered by a severe brain fog and lapse in focus, the same kind any single woman above thirty experiences when being forced to make a decision without a man present. At night, she will have scary nightmares of multiple clones of her ex in devil imp halloween costumes jumping up and down with plastic red pitchforks yelling in high pitch squeals, "IT'S YOUR FAULT YOU'RE ALONE YOU HAD SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE YOU HAD SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE YOU HAD SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE-" over and over until she wakes up in a cold sweat. Ladies, pay attention to the signs, you could be dealing with a time vampire! Watch out for: - Prolific marijuana use - Makes you pay for anything - 2+ years with zero talk of marriage or children - Met him on Discord - Was your coworker at a restaurant or bar - Works at a restaurant or bar at all - Hates his parents - Dresses like a goofy ass wigger - Isn't ashamed of playing video games in front of you - Obsessed with eating ass - Takes home leftovers from restaurants - Rents - Refuses to let you quit your job because "how is the rent going to get paid?" - Texts you more than you text him - Complains about his job - Keeps his hands in his pockets too much - Can't go to bed without water on the nightstand - Wears sneakers outside the gym - Watches YouTube drama/Twitch Streamers - Watches YouTube at all tbh - Asks you to drive him - Owns an android - Takes selfies - Listens to or even tolerates rap music - Orders dessert - Really really loves Kanye - Marvel, Star Wars, Rick and Morty, Reddit, etc - Has ever cried in front of you - Makes his problems your problems - Masturbates - Watches sports - Desktop or phone wallpaper has fictional characters - Colorful lights on his keyboard and mouse - Looks too happy eating phallic foods (banana, sausage, etc) - Herbivore eyes (glazed over, doughy, negative canthal) - Constantly gets caught in little lies - Doesn't understand you - Has any trauma or physical disability - Keeps promising he'll stop watching pornography - Gets emotional about politics in any capacity or direction - Breath stinky, hair greasy, unkempt fingernails - Onliner slouch - Gets in fights in public and loses them - Has to pee too much - Eats microwaved food - Snacks, grazes, gives himself "treats" - Has never fired a gun or thinks guns are bad - Does any kind of singing or voice imitation in front of you - Expresses any desire to be someone else/Celebrity worship - Gets too affectionate with pets - Gives hints about gifts he wants - Gives exact change in coins at the register - Uses coupons, discounts, rewards, or BOGOs - Stands up as soon as the plane lands - Knows the name of any stand up comedian at all - Cannot physically carry you - Pants taper towards the ankles - Emoji reacts your texts - Pubic beard hair - Says he loves you too much