Erika

Dog Masseuses Without Borders takes me away from my family a lot but we are doing God's work.

I made the difficult choice between Twitter and pursuing my dream to be a dog masseuse.

I will never want a tour of your new apartment.

It's just the right kinda night to strap on my bread dough bodysuit and lie in a tanning bed so that it rises around me like love.

I would sell you and your family into slavery for a ranch dressing.

Feels like 2014 is a weird guy eyeing me at a bar & making me uncomfortable but if he offers to buy me curly fries I'll probably say yes.

Cats don't wear makeup because they're naturally beautiful.

All guys named Brad are secretly insecure about having the word "bra" in their name. We pretend we don't notice but we do, Brads.

The best decision I made in 2013 was the $120k master's degree in finger puppetry I got online from Finger Puppet College USA.

@senderblock23 no they left but then they came back again but then they left again but they'll be back soon they're just running an errand.

So what are the people twooting about today in this chat room?

I need a list of people I can force to give me back massages. This bus driver sucks at it. Yes I'm talking about you Lyman. Eyes on the road

Chase your dreams! Seriously. Stalk them online. Follow them when they move to LA with some girl named Denise who isn't even as cute as me

Sometimes you just gotta lie on the floor of a Target eating mini donuts and pondering butts.

You can tell Batman swishes his little fanny when he walks so that his cape billows more.

Ask not how you can party in the USA, ask how the USA can party in you.

A stranger's baby looked me in the eye today and raised one eyebrow, like that's even an ok thing to do.

It was 2 years before I knew that my roommate Marcelle was a raccoon. He sure did love trashes and rabies, but you can't just assume.

A fun activity is taking the harness off someone's seeing eye dog and putting it on yourself then seeing how many years until they notice.

5 out of the 5 biggest disappointments in my life have been times when i thought i saw a puppy but then it turned out to just be a small dog