HR LADY: And it says here under Emergency Contacts you just wrote "FIRE TRUCK" ME: [visibly excited] Fire truck

[describing any American from anywhere north or east of Hartford to my wife] yeah he’s a Boston guy

the candles tweet but for my toddler’s berries

The Night Watchman in Corduroy hears a lamp crash to the floor, comes to investigate, and instantly gets distracted by a teddy bear. Dangerous incompetence. DO YOUR JOB MORON

this is where I live

do you ever meet a toilet you don’t quite trust to stand on business

[person who spent 15 years repeatedly grinding and extruding their brain in the service of having a 2-hour lead on hearing about world events] Phones are good for you actually

Jarden Harden

one of the best things about having a baby is that I can refer to myself as Daddy and have it be normal

I think that a much more polite and sincere expression of ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ that’s more like “sure, why doncha come on down and pick ‘em up! 💕” could change the world

why did they make it look like he just signed with the Cavs xitter.cf/HouseGOP/status/189265…

Yes and it’s a funny story that people enjoy but this stupid fucking website says my thread from 2017 about it is “unavailable” for no reason

Grimace is poly

two years a wife guy. The years pass by like years on a calendar.,, and rain in the rain…

a guy in a Lakers shirt got off the LAXit shuttle and asked an employee “what terminal is this?” and she told him “sir this is a parking lot”

they got whole systems now