"I'm proud to announce that this is the most diverse and progressive Oscars ever. Looking out I see people from all walks of life. Every demographic under the sun. Except poor people, obviously. Fuck them."

I'd start with "Hello. I hope this show helps cheer up the ordinary people watching at home. If you’re unemployed for example, take some comfort in the fact that even if you had a job, your salary probably wouldn't be as much as the goody bag all the actors have just been given."