Whenever I get an assorted box of chocolates, I throw out the legend that tells you which one is which and just eat that shit blind. Live a little.

Fuck Pam Bondi. Dusty ass bitch.

For real though Pet Sounds is one of the best albums ever recorded. Its an absolute masterpiece. Top to bottom bangers. RIP Brian Wilson.

Multiple Irish people have told me I say "Ireland" exactly like an Irish person. This is what an ally looks like.

Just saw my guy @gavinmatts on tonight's Hacks. Nice work, buddy! Super funny. So proud of you.

Hanlon's Razor. Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

Every time someone doesn't make it a true daily double on Jeopardy I yell, "you fucking coward!" at my TV.

Orange Juice with extra pulp? Who the fuck is that for? I'm not knocking pulp. I'll fuck with a bit of pulp. Like if you serve me some OJ with pulp at breakfast I'll toss it back, but extra pulp? Just eat an orange, dipshit.

Biggest oscar snub this year is Terrifier 3.

Economic boycott hey? Turns out all those years I was broke and not buying anything I was actually a hero.

Nascar is so dumb. The Daytona 500 had a rain delay. How? All the competitors are in fucking cars.

One thing they don't tell you about aging is how much you'll grow to appreciate a really nice robe.

I legit thought an ex carnival worker was running for PM and then I found out its just his name.

Yams and Sweet Potatoes are the same thing and I'm tired of pretending that they aren't.

Tariff deez nuts am I right? See? Political. Topical.

I like how someone sat on a baby once and everyone was like, "this is what we should call it when someone else watches our kids."

The funk on the Night Court theme song went fucking hard.

JAYDEN DANIELS HAS NEVER LOST A PLAYOFF GAME.

It's not officially a Blue Jays offseason until they get honeydicked by a Japanese guy.

We've all made mistakes that we later regret. For example, when I was 15 years old I traded Method Man "Tical" straight up for a TRU album.

Me: Its crazy how salty prosciutto is. Too much of that can't be good for a fella. Also me: *eats seven slices*