The Return of Andy Mac

I just blocked someone for tweeting, "Chocolate milk sucks". I am not fucking around today.

Imagine going to the polls and having a hard time picking a president because both candidates were really solid people.

"It's 9AM and you're already drunk?!" ...and this concludes the shortest job interview I ever had.

A Tupperware party is really just a support group for Karens.

Just when you think dreams don't come true, there is a man out there who got his big break by singing the word "diarrhea" in a Pepto Bismol commercial.

Ordering the cajun turkey from Popeye's for Thanksgiving is a great way to let your family know you hate them.

Crime does not pay unless it's some sort of successful money crime.

"Hi, can I get two McDouble's and a small fry?" "Sure, that's two McDouble's and a small fry, that will be $3.12." "Oh, can I get a bottled water too?" "Sure, that will be $97.35, please drive up."

My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.

Parents, this Halloween make sure to check your child’s candy for things like hidden drugs. God forbid you waste $40 worth of an amazing time on a little kid who would just complain that they didn’t feel well.

Changed the profile pic in hopes that some of you will remember who the fuck I am.

Truth.

The worst part about being single is, you can't afford to get any fatter than you already are.

I actually beg you to play. I'd pay for you if I wasn't dead broke. There is also an online casino if you're into that kind of thing.

My mask broke while I was at the store and now I know how Janet Jackson felt at the Superbowl.

If Aaron Rodgers mustache could unattach itself and roam free, I wonder how many sexual assaults it would have?

A little kid just told me he didn’t like me. Which is cool because I don’t like that little piece of shit either.