Scooby Doo’s favourite pantomime.

🎶I’m the dandy wey aye man🎶 Adam Ant and Dec.

I don’t wish to boast but I have just received my enhanced DBS check which clearly shows that I’m not, nor have I ever been, a wrong ‘un. I do think you should get a badge with your certificate, though. Something similar to the Desperate Dan Pie-Eater’s Club would be great.

Best Christmas gathering with the best people and a multitude of Santas.

Xwitter is like a toxic ex (X) whom you’re unable to move on from. You find a new relationship (Bluesky) but even though you know there’s a huge risk you’ll get upset (stupid block removal) you are drawn back due to sentimentality, hoping they’ve changed (reinstated blocking).

1. I’m not leaving this hellsite, I’ll just be over “where the sky is blue” a lot more 2. The reason for 1. is because Xwitter is vitriolic 3. Someone said I was ‘attention seeking’ by ‘announcing’ I’m leaving. Well, d’uh! I’m on Xwitter! We all seek attention and validation!

*picks up suitcase filled with ‘hilarious’ ‘jokes’ and takes a last look the fire engulfed cesspit that Xwitter has become. If anyone wants me…

A Poem. Muthk, you’ve killed off Twitter You’ve made this hellsite shitter Not sure if you’ve a nonsense plan Or if you are just bitter I hope you’re satisfied That Twitter has now died We’re off to sites where we don’t pay To become verified. ©️Flups

I am, quite frankly, livid that the weekend has been allowed to end without me winning the lottery once again, meaning I have to go to work tomorrow which is absolutely ridiculous. The fact that I didn’t buy a ticket is irrelevant, I am FURIOUS!

Whatever happened to all the sucker MCs who were extremely prevalent in the late eighties? Perhaps they’ve all had to learn a new skill? Mind you, having sucker MC experience would serve someone well if they were in charge of the customer service tannoy in Tesco.

Feral Loin Fruit™️: *in unison* “I have absolutely no clothes and need new underwear” Me: *picks up and folds pair number two hundred from a mountain of freshly washed pants*

“Excuse me, shopkeep, I’d like a litre of your finest shimmies please” “I’m afraid they are only sold in flounces” “What about a box of prances?” “I’m sorry but we only sell them in sashays”

Well, that’s my Christmas Day outfit sorted for this year.

The Kermitments #SesameStreetInASongOrMovie

Me aged 18: “Who are you?” Me aged 51: “I am you from 2024” 18: “So, tell me, what is my life like? Is it exciting?” 51: “Not exactly. You spend Sunday afternoons putting your vast amount of medication into daily pill boxes whilst watching videos of blackheads being squeezed”

I am an annoying itch A little irritating bitch Appearing when your hands are full Or when you’ve just got comfortable In bed, that’s when I will attack And cause a tickle on your back Soon my fun goes down the hatch When you killjoys give me a scratch. ©️Flups

If anyone wants me, I’m the sweaty, knackered mess lying on the floor.

Tree towels, surely? *also mumbles something about Christmas Dry and washailing*

Why ‘airport KFC’ and not ‘Kentucky Fried Check-In’?

All The Tongue Dudes #ASongOrMovieForUsingTheTongue

*I have woken up with the Carpenters ‘Calling Occupants Of Interplanetary Craft’ in my head only ‘calling occupants’ has changed to ‘Colin octopus’. Also, big time Mandela Effect as I’ve just discovered it’s simply ‘Carpenters’ there’s no ‘The’ beforehand. *not literally