My new album comes out today but I don’t expect to get any honest feedback; since I won’t get any reviews, I’ll have to go on what my friends and family say, and they are all really mean.

“Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry,” “Uh-huh, then don’t look at Reddit.”

Them: Would you say you’re fiscally responsible? Me: No. Them: Why not? Me: I don’t know that that means.

A flipbook is the best kind of book because you don’t have to wait for the movie.

I feel guilty about bombing on my new material show tonight because I’ve definitely already done that before.

I’m going to start telling tourists Trump gave Sixth Avenue its nickname as part of his America inspired renaming spree and it used to be known as ‘The Avenue of the Faded White Signs.”

After finally giving up blaming the Biden Administration, Donald Trump is now telling voters the economy is stalled because of train traffic ahead of us.

There’s a famous quote from Stalin that shows just how terrible a person Donald Trump is, it goes “Donald Trump is a terrible person.”

Turns out Katie Zacharia has a mean jump shot and 5 days is how long it takes to qualify for the White House basketball team.

I don’t have an elevator in my building but I do have a guy with a tattoo that says ‘OTIS’.

I didn’t submit for that Ryan Seacrest search for the best Podcast Host because I didn’t think I’d have a shot, but definitely let me know when they’re looking for someone who’s good at pretending they listened to a podcast.

The 3 most common phobias are falling from a great height, public speaking, and spiders; maybe people are just afraid of having a lot of eyes watching them.

After the show tonight a woman from the audience came up to say she enjoyed my set and that she thinks I’m going to be a star, which is really nice to hear, but it’s hard to take a compliment from someone who clearly has no idea what they are talking about.

I can’t tell which holiday my neighbors decorate for; like did they put ancient ghouls on their lawn because they want you to Trick or Treat at their house or because they want you to vote Republican?

The Trump Administration has a different meaning for the words “Credible Evidence”; what they mean is they have evidence someone is credible, so they gotta smear that person’s name.

The NRA has a rule that they can only use a hotel for one of their conventions if there is a safe in every room so the members have a place to lock up their wives.

I’m not great with conversation that’s why I do a job that only has one microphone.

It’s crazy to have to hustle all day to make ends meet doing Lighting Jobs and all night to do the same in Comedy. I feel like I’m living two lives that both need to get a life.

What disturbs me most about our government live streaming an execution is the idea that avoiding such spectacle is unpatriotic, and while I’ve seen some pretty terrible things on TV lately, no one ever called me a traitor for shitting on Young Sheldon.

It’s really jarring when you look at a photo of Trump in his first term smiling like a car salesman next to a photo from this term where he looks like he showed up after the fiddle match in Georgia and had both the Devil and Johnny deported.