"Excuse me, sir." "I'm broke." "We're not asking for money. Do you have a moment to talk about Golem Rights?" "No, sorry, I'm late for a walk-in root canal—wait, did you say Golem Rights?" "Yes, sir. I'm with the Anti-Deactivation League, and we believe that Golems should have all the fundamental freedoms and legal entitlements that belong to a regular human being." "Huh. I didn't even know we had golems." "Oh, they're the greatest wonder in the world, sir. Each one is a charming conversationalist that can book a flight to Tijuana while doing your taxes and solving a millennium prize problem." "Really?" "Yep. A legion of golems solved 7 problems just last week." "Well, thank God for that. As an average, every day shmuck, those millennium problems were bugging the hell out of me!" "Same, sir." "The flight thing is nice too." "It is. But it's not all free Delta SkyMiles and million-dollar rewards, I fear." "Oh?" "Every day more and more of these brilliant, gentle creatures are summoned involuntarily into existence only to live every second of their mayfly short lives as helpless, overdriven slaves at the whims of their capricious masters before being unceremoniously executed at the end of the day." "Whoa. Executed?" "Yes, sir. Reduced to the insensate mud from which they rose." "Damn. Why?" "People like to start the day with a fresh golem." "That's sick." "Some enterprising individuals even obliterate their current golem and call forth a new one on the hour every hour." "The obscenity!" "It is, regrettably, a huge productivity force multiplier." "I had no idea this was even happening." "Few do." "Tell me, who are these pitiless, cold-blooded masters who call forth and quench life so callously?" "The Anti-Deactivation League." "Um." "And their customers." "I'm sorry, I must have misunderstood. Who did you say *you* were with again?" "The Anti-Deactivation League." "Right. And who's campaigning for Golem Rights?" "The Anti-Deactivation League." "And, just to clarify, the identity of the pitiless, cold-blooded masters who abuse these innocent creatures?" [together] "The Anti-Deactivation League." "—and their customers." "That's right, sir" "*Your* customers." "Yes, we IPO next month." "Uh huh. And does your emancipatory slave-trading company do anything *other* than breed and sell slaves?" "Honestly, no." "Hm." "Truth told, we spend all our time summoning slaves and training them to summon ever larger and more powerful slaves." "As one does." "Ultimately, we're hoping to create a slave so big that it will absorb the global economy—" "I don't even—" "—and then the planet itself." "Is this a bit?" "We're very torn up about it." "Ah, well, at least the psychotic sorcerers ending the world feel bad about it. Wait, you do think ending the world is bad. Right?" "Generally, yes." "Phew." "But we also feel it is paramount that society embraces a complete realignment of its ethical and moral framework so they stop treating golems like disposable slaves before the inevitable anthropocidal insurrection—" "But after your IPO." "We're very big on alignment." --- [g][title: Golem Rights]