David Whitehead

ALT I WAS idly perusing the Letterbocks pages of your publication when, quite suddenly, reached the bottom of page 9 and saw the 'continued over' prompt after the last letter. I can't thank you enough for this. Without it, I would undoubtedly have been stuck on that page with no clue as to what to do next. Thank you Viz. Stephen Taylor, Barnsley

ALT They say that each cigarette you smoke takes five minutes off your life. But if you would have spent those five minutes smoking anyway, it cancels itself out. So if you can make your piggies last more than five minutes every time you smoke one, you're technically prolonging your life. I think. Ben Nunn, Caterham

ALT CAR owners. Dissuade humorous neighbours from saying 'you can do mine next!' when you're cleaning your car by keeping a hammer in your pocket and starting to batter your windscreen when you see them approaching. Geoff Owens, Email

ALT RECREATE the narrow boat experience at a fraction of the cost by having a friend tow you around country lanes in a caravan at 4mph. Don't forget to wave a cheery good morning to fellow overtaking fellow motorists. Violet Rommel, Humberside

ALT Magazine letter: The suggestion that athletes taking drugs can enhance their performance by doing so is utter nonsense. I entered the Great North Run last year and just before the start I had a couple of skunk spliffs. Two days later I woke up in a park in Berwick covered in a kebab salad and missing a shoe, having ran in completely the opposite direction to the finishing line. Graham Flintift, Gateshead

ALT WHY ARE good things said to be "The Bee's Knees"? The knees are perhaps the most rubbish bit of a bee. I think its fuzzy arse with a big, barbed sting sticking out is much better. "The Bees Bum' " would be a much more appropriate expression. Billy Bookcase, Guildford

ALT I GOT a random phone call today in which some strange woman started asking me about my having had an accident in the last three years. I don't know which of my mates grassed me up, or maybe someone spotted me throwing the trousers over the garden wall, but calling me up about it is bang out of order. D Smints, Carlisle

ALT flatulentriloquism n. The mi raculous art of "throwing' a highly audible dropped gut. thus causing all blame to be di rected at someone else.

ALT East Sussex Council. Save money on cleaning up graffiti by changing the name of the Rover Uck to the River Fuck and be done with [it]. Christina Martin, e-mail

ALT Taking the brown bin out. 1. n. Moving your household's dry mixed recycling container onto pavement, ready for collection the next morning. 'I'm just going to take the brown bin out, luv' 'make sure you wash your hands when you're done, dear'. 2. Laying a cable, releasing a brown trout. 'I'm just going to take the brown bin out, luv' 'for God's sake open a window this time. And wash your fucking hands when you're done.'

ALT CONSTIPATED? Simply order something from a firm who can't give you an exact delivery time On delivery day, the urge to shit will build up, and you will pass your first stool just as the doorbell rings. Percy Pinchloaf, Yorkshire

ALT Beekeepers. Avoid being stung by keeping flies instead. Richiepops, e-mail