Ted Barton

I hate any movie where an animal is the bad guy. Jaws is a shark. He’s hungry, not "up to something"

I feel like Mitchell Robinson’s broken pinky finger will improve his FT%

If bugs are attracted to light then fireflies must feel like rockstars

Call it white sauce. Call it shrimp sauce. But don’t you dare call it "yum yum" sauce. What, did you think this was a joke?

I call it a journal not a diary because I don’t want to seem sensitive while I’m being sensitive

While walking, two ravens landed on a tree branch above me, intuition told me to pivot and moments later they both pooped. I’m the That’s so Raven of ravens

Modern girls wear leather jackets and dark glasses like Neo in the Matrix just to act like they’re still plugged in

Green is objectively the best color it’s literally the spokesperson for all garnishes

People binge content all day, no output, then wonder why they’re anxious. You don’t need pills, you need a diary. Your mind’s clogged. You’re mentally constipated.

Technology isn’t always an improvement. I can use my AirPods instead of holding a phone… but then no one knows I have a friend

Runners waiting at the crosswalk look like they have ants in their pants

After my shower I put a towel over my head and pretended I was E.T. It’s going to be a good day.

I don’t care what anyone says, no one actually believes in dreamcatchers, I’ve never heard of anyone like.. checking the filter

Noah’s Ark is insane. Catching two of every animal? It took me three hours just to get one cat to the vet.

Girls on dating apps will post two pictures of them in the sun with one prompt that she believes in the olive theory then accuse you of only liking her for her looks

Dunkin’ figured it out: make donuts mediocre enough to qualify as breakfast. Krispy Kreme made them too good and got bumped to dessert.

Sunglasses are so underrated, it’s like living life on incognito mode

Idk how God judges souls but if you knock on a bathroom door that says "occupied" it should be taken into consideration

Every time I see a redhead I start craving Wendy’s, honestly genius marketing

I hate a slow salt shaker, like come on lil fella I got bills to pay

I complained they put peppermint in my mocha. Turns out… I’d just brushed my teeth