I don't think you've really lived until you put a 96" fluorescent tube into a trash compactor.

I coughed while trying to swallow my hypertension pill and it went up into my sinus. Not to sound too melodramatic but I just don't see how as a species we can go on much longer.

Turns out that calling your boyfriend a cockfucker during street hockey is good sportsmanship.

When a grown up sits we're lazy but if a baby does it it's called "sitting up" and it's a "skill."

Victorian sandwich language code: Half vertical: I see you like sandwiches Half diagonal: meet me behind the gazebo Quarters: you're a fucking child, maybe literally Half horizontal: I want a divorce

Me and my best friend trying to give each other advice.

I was watching a pro bodybuilder's video of what he buys at Costco and he spent quite some time explaining to the camera that each week he buys a movie, and then that's the movie he watches.

I can squat sets of more than my body weight but if I try to squat down and pick a towel off the floor odds are I'm just staying down.

Alone in the new house game called "Wind or Murderer?"

My 13yo neighbor: "Why would anyone backpack across Europe? Boooooriiiiing."

Well, I guess I answered my own question, I just didn't want the question to be "How bad could this burrito possibly be?"

"Why didn't you tell me my hair was messed up?" "You're wearing a buckskin jacket and flipflops, where did you want me to draw the line?"

Operation Go To Target a success, if you believe spending $140 on plastic storage tubs can be a success.

"Lindsey Lohan referred to Obama as 'our first colored president'." "I guess she's confident there will be another colored president."

I like to think the coackroach that just crawled out of my coffeepot is nature's way of saying "Welcome to L.A."

I used to love chai and now its making me gag. I guess I'm a man now.

Google ads just asked if I wanted to pre-order J.K. Rowling's new Harry Potter book. Have... have I gone back in time?

I just watched a commercial for a duster that had an electric guitar soundtrack.

I cut my thumb on a clove of garlic. This is a true story.

I ordered vegetable sushi from a little place and I got lettuce wrapped in rice and seaweed. LETTUCE. I deserved it.