Blanket fort architect. I loan John Leguizamo my phone charger…twice
Joined April 2015
- Tweets4.9K
- Following264
- Followers534
- Likes13.7K
Pinned Tweet
BREAKING: Congress has announced that the next round of stimulus will be the friendships we made along the way.
I just swallowed about 100 pills of opioids. I’m either going to die or be in a coma from the Tylenol in them. I’m sorry. I’m sorry to everyone. I tried to amount to something and it never happened. I’m a terrible friend, comic, and father. I just wanted to make people laugh.
Jokes on you @elonmusk I just paid $25 to be verified on AOL Instant Messenger.
I called out a guy on the internet tonight for being a joke thief and it turns out he was actually a *checks notes* rapist/stalker/sexual harasser/predator.
But still…don’t steal jokes.
Hey- guy who keeps creating accounts to follow me on FB/twitter, I blocked you cuz you stole jokes and posted them as your own.
I never block friends that I disagree with politically/religiously/even guys who worship Elon Musk/Rogan.
But I don’t ever tolerate joke theft.
@LeonaThotsky it’s the creepy reno guy who bothers women on DMs and I heard killed someone or something? AA initials.
Hey Steve, with all the twitter drama going on, are you gonna delete your account in resistance?
Bitch I’m not famous and this is the only attention I can get. I’ll keep making bad jokes on here until my dad starts throwing out “I’m proud of you” on our phone calls twice a year
Last week I posted stories of celebs I met when I was a flight attendant. Here’s part II, enjoy? (1/12)
The director of Princess Bride and Stand By Me @robreiner was on my flight. Celebs never want to talk about their careers, they just want to talk normal things. Rob wanted to talk about his lower back pain. We talked about his sciatica for 2 hours. It was an honor (11/12)
Tweet Davidson retweeted
You shut your whore mouth. I was a goth and smoked clove cigarettes in the woods behind my high school, the commoners smoked GPCs in the parking lot.
