Well then my filthy assistants, I had to check the feeds didn't I? How could I risk missing any of the depravity the human race throws at us just because of a holiday? I'm sat here on a beach where the water’s clearer than the average politician’s conscience and the whisky doesn’t bankrupt you, watching France set fire to its own town halls over the same “heating or eating” bullshit we already know. Half a million people out because rent, fuel and schools are fucked, and the usual headcases turn it into looting so the papers can pretend the actual complaint doesn’t exist. Macron’ll be on telly later talking about the Republic like it’s not the same machine that’s been squeezing ordinary people for years. Same rotten maths as home, just with more cars on fire. Truth doesn’t care which side of the Channel you’re on. #FranceRiots #CostOfLiving #EuropeBurning @EmmanuelMacron

So misses Spider’s got me chained to one of those mandatory family getaways - happy wife, happy life, or some other steaming pile of domestic propaganda they feed you while they’re digging the grave. We’re parked on a white-sand private beach with water so clear you can see the fish laughing at you, and all the watered-down whisky my diseased, half-pickled liver can choke down before it files for divorce. Puts the whole rotten species into perspective, doesn’t it? Back home we’re scraping rent like it’s a terminal diagnosis, "heating or eating" in the coming months and this is the luxury we have to book just to feel human for five minutes. Meanwhile the "boat people" are pouring into England like the country’s a free bar at last call. Their houses are 87% cheaper brick-for-fucking-brick, food costs less than half, and the sun’s not actively trying to bleach their skeletons. So why the hell are they risking drowning in the Channel to come here and join the same miserable, overpriced rat race? Someone explain the math before my brain liquefies. Now fuck off. I need more of this dodgy whisky before I start asking better questions.

Fuck BHX, time to get out of this shithole and forget about Farage and Robinson for a bit. Take care, my filthy assistants, sun, see and sand await my drunken ass. ALL INCLUSIVE BITCHES. They'll regret that.

RT @donmcgowan: Lewis Goodall talking about the Lib Dem’s this morning. He said, without any hint of irony, that they’re not being heard,…

World Mental Health Day. Fine. Look, my filthy assistants - nobody’s asking you to perform wellness for the cameras. If your head is loud today, that’s not a personal failing and it’s not “just in your mind.” It’s allowed. Check on the people who usually check on you. Answer the message you’ve been dodging. Sit with someone who doesn’t need you to be useful. Take the help when it’s offered instead of treating it like a character flaw. Support isn’t weakness; it’s the only reason any of us are still upright. The rest of the noise can wait. I’m taking the rest of the day off social media to help my own mental health. Try not to burn the place down while I’m gone. #WorldMentalHealthDay

The pure desperation of these fucks is palpable at the moment. They can see the inevitability of their own destruction looming, desperation growing to that of a crackhead seeking their next hit. Delicious, pass me that bastard popcorn.

What the fucking hell, my filthy assistants? So Reform aren't satisfied with the entire British media already mainlining their bile into every screen and paper like it's free crack? They're launching their own online TV channel just to sidestep whatever scrap of normality and accountability still exists, and now they're rolling out an 8-page mini-newspaper - lets call it "Farage's personal wankmag"? How the fuck is any of this even legal? Is it legal? These people are mainlining the system so hard that sooner or later someone with a set of cuffs and a court order is going to have to kick Farage's door in. Surely. Tell me that's not the obvious end of the goddamn story.