Simon Tobin

When one of my jokes bombs...

Am deleting my twitter soon, to the horror of all 5 of my 77 followers, I just don't like this site anymore

Good news everyone, I found God. Wally still at large

If as a lyricist you rhyme "Fire" with "Desire" I automatically hate you Unless of course you are Korn because Jonathan Davis is a genius

Since the planet is 71% non carbonated water technically that means the earth is mostly flat

In what type of buildings do they feature executions and small cakes? Bungalows

I used an enchanted battle axe in a boss fight and I won To the horror of everyone else in the business meeting

Taking applications for my next horcrux

Somewhere out there there's a Nigerian prince wondering why no one replies to his emails...

Was attacked by the ghost of a kangaroo, a pogo stick and a trampoline It was a jump scare

In the simpsons when they're featuring a guest star they normally introduce them like "Oh my god it's 'xyz' known for being in 'abc'" Just once I'd like to hear them say "Who the fuck are you?"

Pretty sure the Irish language was invented by a man with a bad cold

I just feel so bad for foreign junkies coming to Irish parties for potential craic...

Beware of pervy team rocket members They're trying to take a pikachu You: This is probably the worst (and probably stolen) joke you've ever made...

Never date a socialist Red flags everywhere

I remember I was told this, not sure if its true but its fun to think about "The reason all metal singers scream is because they're 5'5 and are pissed off about it"

Went on a date with a girl and she was wearing a Denmark 🇩🇰 as a coat This was of course a huge red flag

If there's toilet humour in your film, you're a shit writer

Was attacked with a rhythm stick May have sustained an Ian Dury

Was asked "Do you believe in ghosts?" To which I replied "Yes, but I think their self-esteem should come from themselves rather than from my approval"

"Tim, they've got your wife!" "But I'm not married!" "You are now, to America!"