Does anyone want to play hearts with my stupid boring ass son Chris? #SometimesIWishThatVestDidntMalfunction

Hey Dana, can you run me over too so I don't have to see you moping around for the rest of my fucking life?

Spending time with my boring son Chris is almost worse torture than I experienced in Iraq. #MySonisSoBoring

"Hey I'm gonna buy a Mustang, that's a cool car!" - Mike Faber, the Douche

Nazir and some of the guys say I sound "too white" when I say Assalamu alaikum. #FuckYouGuys

Oh what the fuck! Jess threw out all my CDs!!! Guess all the shit is on Spotify, but still...

Saying prayer 5x a day in the garage and not getting caught is very difficult.

"DAD! THE DVR ERASED MY FAVORITE SHOW, AND I THINK ITS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!" *Cry* *Cry* #EverythingisMyFault #IBetMikesDVRNeverErasesShit

"DAD!!! DADD!!!! WE'RE OUT OF ORANGE JUICE!!!!" *TEARS* *TEARS* *TEARS* #MyDaughtertheDramaQueen

TIME WARNER CUSTOMER SERVICE!!!!!! #TalkAboutTorture

Man, people are really fired up about Girl Meets World. Whatever. Bring back Perfect Strangers. Now THAT was a good program.

"Hey dad, this CIA safehouse is really cool! TV's in every room!!!" - My son, the idiot. #FuckMe

I'm like NEVER doing my Congressman shit. Surprised people aren't more pissed.

I never thought I'd say this, but things were a lot easier when my daughter dated that chubby stoner kid

Big surprise, Mike Faber posted that stupid Facebook privacy thing on his timeline #Doofus

Liz and Dick. WTF!

Wow. So much great TV came out while I was in captivity. Breaking Bad?? Incredible. Can't wait to watch next ep after this mtg with Estes

Being in captivity sucked, but to come back and go straight to an iPhone? FUCKING NUTS! This thing is amazing

Working at the CIA now. #WTF #SorryAbuNazir #ThingsBeenMovingMadFastPastFewDays

Debating whether to use Emojis in my texts to Carrie, too cute? Or does it kind of help make things casual?