I have seen a lot of posts and videos in relation to the new MAFS BBC Panorama documentary, essentially asking why, if women were being mistreated on the show by their partners, they didn’t just leave. I was a police officer for many years, specialising in cases of domestic abuse and abusive patterns of behaviour. I thought we had got past victim blaming in relation to domestic abuse? People don’t leave abusive relationships, even short-term ones, for a variety of reasons. The person is not abusive 100% of the time. When they are kind and compassionate, it can become intoxicating, especially in contrast to when they are awful. This makes victims crave the good parts, and they are conditioned to believe that the bad parts are their fault. This makes them want to “try harder” and “be better” for their abuser, because the good times become the reward. There is also the fact that abusers can be scary, and they can play serious mental games with a victim. The victim literally may not understand that they are being abused. The victim may fear that they will not be believed, or that the abuser will create a smear campaign against them, making them out to be the bad one, and trying to ruin their life and/or reputation. Abusers deny that they have done anything wrong when called out, and are masters at turning the tables on their victims, convincing them that they are the abusers, not them. This is called DARVO: deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. Throw in a reality TV show with cameras, the promise of fame, and the impact of leaving a show and the reputational costs this can have depending on what is aired in your absence, and it creates the perfect scenario for abuse to breed, go unchallenged, and for victims to feel trapped with someone who is hurting them. Instead of asking ‘why don’t they leave?’ we need to ask ‘why does the abuser act like this?’ @Rachel_SUTDA