If Twitter dies, let's all buy condos in the same complex, sit out on our patios, and scream our Tweets at each other.

The Dunkin' app updated, so, if you need me, I'll be over here trying to navigate it like I'd be wandering through a store that I was very familiar with, but was just renovated.

I'm wearing a black T-shirt hoodie because I'd like to try to be the trouble your mother warned you about.

Can't. Currently, I'm Ahab, and this piece of lint on my glasses that won't blow off is my white whale.

I love when in horror movies they allow one barely staffed ambulance or police cruiser to transport the homicidal maniac who just took out a small town late at night and down a country road without an escort.

He watches me work every Halloween season.

I think it's time to dust the cobwebs off of, exhume the coffin of, and hang hawthorn around my Halloween playlist.

Dunkin' has the black and orange order stickers on their cups. That's worth $0.78 towards the coffee alone.

I'll stop eating Doritos and Entenmann's when they have recalls on those.

I understand why millionaires and billionaires (and the trillionaire guy) aspire to attempt zany, foolish, wasteful, and scientifically questionable things. One time, I hit for $5 on a scratch-off ticket, and the first thing I wanted to do was turn that into a real dinosaur.

After a long, annoying day, it's a beautiful thing when you finally can sit down on the couch and take a breath, and then realize that nothing works correctly.

No, I haven't seen it. Just all of it.

Holiday Monday! I'm celebrating by working.

What in hell's bathroom was that Giants/Commanders game.

The weekends are short enough. What's worse is when you have something that you're dreading to do on Monday, which infects the already-short weekend.

I fell asleep on the couch. I'll get back to you within 2-3 business days.

The crane kick I almost performed on my computer charger that looked like an insect in the dark would have gotten me disqualified from the All Valley Tournament.

In space, would Starbucks be a coffeehouse or a bank?