『 Sonata.mp3 』

I’m sorry for how inconsistent my streams have been lately, and for not always having the energy to be the entertainer I used to be/want to be. The truth is, my mental health has been deteriorating for a long time, and I’ve reached a point where even the things I love most feel overwhelming. I love streaming. I love being a VTuber. I love making people laugh and creating a space where people feel like they belong. It breaks my heart that something that once brought me so much happiness has become something I struggle to find the energy for. It’s not that I’ve stopped loving what I do. Somewhere along the way, my brain just stopped letting me feel joy in almost anything. Streaming is hard. Planning is hard. Getting out of bed is hard. Some days, just existing feels exhausting. I reached Twitch Partner and couldn’t even bring myself to celebrate. I had so many plans for my birthday that I struggled to make happen. I keep dreaming up things I want to create, only to feel completely defeated by my inability to actually do them since it feels like my brain is fighting against me. I miss who I used to be. I miss waking up excited to create things. I miss having the energy to give my community the love and attention they deserve. More than anything, I miss feeling like myself. I’ve spent months pushing myself, hoping that if I just kept showing up, eventually I’d feel like myself again. But no matter how badly I want to be that person, I can’t seem to find my way back. Getting mental health care in Canada without a family doctor is incredibly difficult, especially in rural areas, so I was avoiding my only option; going to the hospital. But, last week, I finally reached a point where I knew I couldn’t keep struggling, so I went and asked for help. After speaking with a doctor, we decided to increase my medication. I’m hopeful things will improve, but I know healing won’t happen overnight. It may take awhile to adjust to the new medication or I may need to try something different. I’m not sharing this for pity or to excuse how absent I’ve been. I just want you to understand why I haven’t been myself lately. I know I haven’t been showing up the way I want to, both for myself and for the people who care about me. I’m trying really hard to get better. I just hope you can be a little patient with me while I find my way back to myself. Thank you for still being here, even when I haven’t had much of myself left to give. It means more than I can put into words. Te amo~ 🩵