I can count on my hook how many hands I've lost.

I lie awake at night thinking about those few months in 2015 when @spencerpratt followed me.

Ice storms are just a made up event for bread companies to sell more bread.

Hey guys, I’ve been told by the police that I can’t be on the playground, so my puppet show has moved behind the Arby’s.

Even though my cat is blind, she still loves looking out the window.

It’s good to see Nick Cannon back on top.

Tonight’s debate is sponsored by Werther’s Original Butterscotch Candies™️.

Crazy how we’re born with all the nipples we’re ever gonna have.

Just saw an announcement that the new stealth bomber took its first flight, so I guess it's not THAT stealthy if we already know about it.

In every movie, they escape through the kitchen, and none of the kitchen staff even stop what they’re doing. Interviewer: Ok, so I’ll just skip on down to weaknesses and put “doesn’t follow directions”.

If you ever think you're useless, just remember that car companies still try to sell updated navigation disks.

What a time to be alive when you can choose between Cocaine Bear and Jesus Revolution at the movies

After watching the Fast X trailer, it's nice to see them going back to the roots that started it all. Sucking.

Remember that lady in “Braveheart” that yells “MERCY!” just before they behead William Wallace? I think she’s in the stands pleading for TCU. #UGAvsTCU

I want to make this the best one yet, but I don’t even know where to find a Toyotathon tree!