Check us out in @TheAdvocateMag @lukeprusinski #TomofFinland photo: @stefanpinto advocate.com/arts-entertainm… – at West Hollywood, CA

I Didn’t Want to Leave Jail. I still can’t believe I’m writing those words. In Part One, I shared how I ended up in jail at 50 years old. But what happened during those four days was something I never could have imagined. I walked into a room with 48 men, absolutely terrified. I was convinced someone was going to hurt me. Instead, I found kindness. Friendship. Laughter. Some surprisingly good coffee. And a kind of peace I hadn’t felt in years. I met people who changed the way I look at addiction, forgiveness, and even myself. I also came face to face with something I’d spent years avoiding. My own life had become unmanageable while I was desperately trying to manage someone else’s. And when they finally called my name to leave? I didn’t want to go. This is probably one of the most personal, emotional, and unexpectedly funny stories I’ve ever shared. And there’s a friendship in this chapter that still breaks my heart. Part Two of I Loved You Sober is now live on Substack. Swipe through for a few moments from the story, then read the full chapter at the link: Substack: substack.com/@ryanacarrillo YouTube Community: youtube.com/@ryanacarrillo/c… Here’s to hope. ❤️ #ILovedYouSober #AlAnon #AddictionRecovery #Codependency #RecoveryJourney

“I was drowning, and they still criticized the way I swam.” That was the day I stopped explaining myself. #alanon #recovery #sober #ilovedyousober

I spent fourteen years trying to get him to understand me. I'm learning that I don't need his understanding to move forward. #alanon #addiction #recovery

The Family Stone in October I just watched the Christmas movie The Family Stone. I know. It’s October. lol. For fourteen Christmas seasons, my ex and I watched this movie together. Every single year. It was one of our traditions. One of those things we just did. No discussion needed. Tonight I watched it with my skating partner. And wow. I wasn’t expecting how hard it would hit me. It’s strange how a movie can take you right back to a life that doesn’t exist anymore. The memories, the holidays, the traditions. The little things that made up fourteen years together. And I miss those things. I miss parts of our life. I miss the good memories. And sometimes I even miss him. There. I said it. And I think that’s okay. I’ve spent so much time trying to move forward, trying to find peace, trying to get to this place everyone talks about in recovery. Serenity. But I’m realizing I can’t rush it. I can’t rush the sadness away. I can’t force myself to feel better just because I know I’m making the right decisions for my life. And I don’t have to turn every sad moment into some big lesson about growth. Sometimes it’s just sad. I’m allowing myself to feel that sadness. Not embrace it. Not live in it. Just acknowledge that it’s there. Because fourteen years don’t disappear just because the relationship ended. I’m going to feel better when I feel better. And for tonight, that’s enough. Here’s to giving myself a break. More stories on my Substack: open.substack.com/pub/ryanac… #alanon #sober #recovery

They give the family ONE day. One three hour counseling session, and then you're supposed to hold onto that for the rest of your life. We talked about the side of addiction nobody covers: what it does to the people who love the addict. This is from my episode of Recovery Unfiltered with Nick and Will. The full interview drops Friday, October 16th at midnight. Check it out: colorsacrossthesky.com/podca… Posts Friday at midnight ^^^ #AlAnon #AddictionRecovery #Codependency #LovedOnesOfAddicts #RecoveryUnfiltered

He didn't look like an addict. He looked like the man I loved. That's why I stayed. And that's what I had to unlearn. Swipe through. Full essay at the link. If you've ever loved someone through addiction, this one's for you. open.substack.com/pub/ryanac… #alanon #lovedonesofaddicts #addictionrecovery #codependency #memoir #healingjourney #letgo #recoveryispossible

I spent years waiting for someone I loved to hit rock bottom. I thought maybe that would be the moment everything changed. The drugs. The disappearances. The chaos. The lies. The fear. I kept thinking, “Surely this is it.” But somehow, there was always another bottom. What I didn’t understand was that while I was watching his life unravel, mine was unraveling too. And eventually, I hit the bottom I had been waiting for him to reach. This story is about that moment. About loving someone with addiction. About what happens to the person standing beside them. And about the painful realization that sometimes the person you have to save is yourself. My newest piece is live: “I Kept Waiting for Him to Hit Rock Bottom. Then I Beat Him There.” Read it on Substack: ryanacarrillo.substack.com/p… ❤️ #ILovedYouSober #Addiction #Recovery #AlAnon #Codependency #LovingAnAddict #FamilyRecovery #MentalHealth #LettingGo #Healing #RecoveryJourney #Substack

I spent years trying to understand what was happening to him. I didn’t notice what was happening to me. I’m writing about loving someone through addiction, losing myself in the process, and what recovery looks like for the people who love the addict too. I LOVED YOU SOBER ❤️ substack.com/@ryanacarrillo/…

POV: Roller skating 🎪🛼🔥 Taking partner skating somewhere a little different. Training new tricks, new combinations and things we probably shouldn’t be trying 😂 Ryan Allen Carrillo + Noa Ogden Six Flags Magic Mountain 🎢 All Wheel Sports Follow for more rehearsals + behind the scenes 🛼🔥

I just published something deeply personal. Before addiction became the loudest thing in our relationship, there was a love story. And before Luke became someone I was trying desperately to save, he was simply someone I loved. I think that part of these stories matters too. My latest: “Before I Loved an Addict, I Just Loved Him.” Read it on my Substack. Link in bio. open.substack.com/pub/ryanac… #addiction #sobriety #alanon #lovestory #ryanallencarrillo

I went to Al-Anon looking for instructions on how to save him. Instead, I found a room full of people who were trying to save themselves. My latest Substack is out today: SOMEBODY, PLEASE TELL ME WHAT TO DO Loving an addict changes you, too. This is the part of the story about finally realizing I needed help… not with fixing him, but with finding myself again. open.substack.com/pub/ryanac… #alanon #sobriety #addiction

Check out my new @Substack on addiction and recovery. open.substack.com/pub/ryanac… #addiction #alanon #recovery

My newest piece went live this morning. He Didn’t Look Like an Addict. For a long time, I had an idea in my head of what addiction looked like. It didn’t look like him. It didn’t look like us. And maybe that’s part of why it took me so long to understand what was happening. This is one of the more difficult parts of my story to share, but also one of the most important. He Didn’t Look Like an Addict Read it here 👇 ryanacarrillo.substack.com/p…

Some people come into your life to stay. Others come along just long enough to wake something back up inside of you. ❤️ Adam reminded me that after some very difficult chapters, there is still joy, connection, laughter and hope. I wrote about our time together and what it meant to me. Here’s to Hope. Read the full story: ryanacarrillo.substack.com/p… #HeresToHope #LoveStory #Substack

Roller skating meets aerial ✨🛼 Boston rehearsals with Ryan Allen Carrillo & Kim Manning for a very cool corporate gig. Aerialist + roller skating = one fun combination.

Training with our accomplished pairs coach. – at Lincoln Heights, OH

First time doing over head lifts on ice ⛸️ – at Lincoln Heights, OH