I saw an ad today asking for money that said, "I come to you today on behalf of the Jewish people in Gaza who's lives have been destroyed...". Seriously!? You're actually asking for $ for the Jews in Gaza?.... Scam, maybe, just maybe...... 🤨

I was using a public restroom recently and as I'm standing there I look down at the urinal and see the name of the manufacturer, Gerber. I immediately think wait, these are the same people who made the bottles I fed my kids with. That seems a bit strange to me. Then I realized, I may have discovered what exactly happened to these damn kids these days!

Told the wife, "I can't wait to get home and pass out. It's been a long day." She says, "You can't. We have to make the bed first I just washed the sheets." I said, "I can't wait to get home and watch you make the bed, then pass out." ... Death stare initiated.

I was in Cincinnati Ohio one time doing a standard insect spraying at a Blockbuster (tells you how long ago it was). A lady asked me if they had a problem. I said, "Oh Lord yes! This is a Grizzly Bear repellent. It's been a huge problem with them breaking into local businesses here!".... She ran out of the store. The manager heard the whole thing. He says, "Dude, that was absolute gold! Hilarious! But, as the manager, don't do that again."

I love intelligent people. Today I'm taking a squirrel trap down that I had had mounted to a soffit where the squirrel had been going in and out. Now this just happens to be right next to a camera that is mounted on the building. A lady comes by and watches me come down the ladder with the trap in my hand. She looks at me as I reach the bottom of the ladder, she looks at the trap in my hand, and asks, "Are they taking the cameras down?" So I held up the squirrel trap and said, "Yes, Ma'am. This is just the first step. This here cage was up there to prevent the polar bears from eating the cameras so I had to get it down first."

Saw an ad for "Red light therapy." I don't know what the big deal is. I know several people who have had red light therapy and it didn't help them at all. 'Course their therapy includes blue lights mixed with the red lights... Not sure if that made a difference. 😁

I remember when I played soccer. I could literally just dive on the ground head first and then look up for that yellow or red card and it didn't bother me in the least!? Now I just get yellow and red lights from an ambulance if I did that. 🤣

So, today I got sent to a large warehouse style store where I've been trying to trap a Squirrel for a week. Today the manager to somehow lock the animal in an office. After waiting 45 minutes for the manager, they finally show me the office but they can't find the key. Got to love it! 🙄

Dad, "You were supposed to do something for me yesterday that you ain't do!" Me, "You mean the account number you wanted?" Dad, "Yea." Me, "I sent it yesterday when I told you I would." Dad, "Well you know I don't look at text." Me, "So you told me to text it to you, which I did exactly when I said I would; but you don't look at text..?..?" 🤣

My wife saw some random lady walking through a parking lot. She says, "It must be nice, these chicks with small boobs. They can just throw on any dress and walk around without bouncing all over the place!" I said, "You realize, baby, men actually don't mind a good bit of bounce." Another death stare initiated.

Got a phone call from some Indian guy the other day. He wanted to give me with a "Business Proposition." I told him I had aneven better business proposition for him. "I propose you mind your own damn business!" 'click'.

So i guess i can only flush up to 99 then.

The best jokes are real life shit. About 3 days ago my damn son tells me he thinks he wants to be a woman. I said, "I thought you like chicks?" He said, "I do!" I said, "Then you're obviously a fucking dude then." Well that didn't go over too well he ended up screaming at me and stuff. But I was telling my wife about it later and she asked me, "Is he still a virgin?" I said , "Yes." And then one of the most devout Christian women I've ever met in my life looks me straight in the eye and says something I never expected... "You need to get him a whore then!" At this point I can tell you I was in complete shock. I never imagined my wife would ever have said anything like that! And yet, despite my shock, my brain still managed to do what it does, and I almost said, "So just 1, just for him?" Thankfully I found out that my survival instincts apparently can override a comedian brain. So I'm still here, for now.

Someone asked me today if my dog was nice. I said "He used to be." They asked, "What happened?" I said, "I don't know really, he turned 10 years old and just turned into a little bitch. I told him I already had three kids that had gone liberal I didn't need a damn dog as a Democrat too."

If Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were driving and the transmission in the car broke, would Dr. Watson look at Sherlock and say, "No shift Sherlock"?...

So, who is buying Insurance from this guy?!? 😬

Is it easier for a Spanish speaker to be a Trans? I mean there's not much to change; Reynoldo to Reynolda.... 🤔

If a guy named Kevin Grisham opened a burger joint, would he call it KGB? 🤔

So, my buddy takes me to his uncle's house for the 4th. He invites Malcolm too because he's been working with us. Dad finds out and invites himself. We arrive at the house with Dad driving himself. Dad doesn't wait for anyone, he just walks right into the guys backyard where he knows absolutely no one and starts talking to people. Within 2 minutes we walk in and he is introducing us to Chris family like he's known them all his life. I still haven't decided at this stage in my life (I'm aost 50) if he is full of confidence, or just pure arrogance. Either way he is distinctly Dad.

The wife was complaining about a particular customer situation where we have been trapping rats for an extended time. She stated, "I wish there was a Non-Lethal way of just killing all the damn rats!".... I said, "Um, a killing method that is Non-Lethal?..... Yea, that would work great...."