I wasn't sure I was going to post this, but hopefully it encourages someone. I was clocking in at 389 pounds in February. I was resigned and depressed and letting life circumstances be an excuse to not take care of my body. I was blessed to one day in late January realize that if I didn't make a change I was going to keep gaining weight, keep feeling shame and continue to be less and less capable for my family. I attribute that realization to the mercy and love of God, so instead of making huge plans and talking it all out and making some grand show of dieting and losing weight, I just started eating less and choosing to eat healthier. I gave myself grace when cravings took over and didn't let eating a bag of chips or a bowl of ice cream send me spiraling into a food binge like I had in the past. I chose to wake up everyday assuming I was still going to eat better, that my new default, my new normal was to eat healthy and eat less and not live in shame and disappointment. 54 pounds later and I have still not arrived where I want to be, but I can say with certainty that I feel significantly better. Physically and mentally. My life circumstances haven't changed much, I still provide 24/7 care for a severely disabled child with my wonderful wife and the occasional in home nurse. I still have 2 other children who continue to grow and mature and who need a father who is present and engaged with their life. I still face a handful of difficulties I wont share here but that at some point I was truly concerned would lead to my demise. But as my health improves I can see how, one less complication in my life, one less difficulty, the boost of energy from a healthier lifestyle, the encouragement and love of some incredible friends and family AND belonging to literally one of the best communities in the world, has given me the extra hope and the extra drive needed to face each day with the expectation of winning. So now my new default is to move forward, even one step, to have grace with myself when I struggle and when the dark clouds of life hover overhead, not live in defeat. I choose for my new normal to be one where I choose to pursue life and family and above all else, Jesus. And because i'm a nerd ill just leave yall with this, because anime is awesome and this phrase echo's in my brain on days I want to give up. “If you are feeling disheartened that you are somehow not enough, set your heart ablaze. Dry your eyes and look ahead. You may feel like digging your heels in, but the flow of time waits for no one; it won’t patiently stand by as you grieve.” -Rengoku