Funeral Director: “Why is there a man in the coffin?” Woman: “Because it’s his funeral.” Funeral Director: “He’s waving.” Woman: “Yes.” Funeral Director: “Dead people don’t wave.” Man: “Hello.” Funeral Director: “You see?” Woman: “I do.” Funeral Director: “Why is he alive?” Man: “There was a misunderstanding.” Funeral Director: “A misunderstanding that resulted in a funeral?” Man: “Several misunderstandings.” Funeral Director: “Start with the first one.” Man: “My boat sank.” Funeral Director: “That’s unfortunate.” Man: “Very.” Funeral Director: “Then what?” Man: “Someone found my hat.” Funeral Director: “And assumed you drowned.” Man: “Correct.” Funeral Director: “Did anyone check?” Man: “Apparently not.” Woman: “In fairness, the hat looked convincing.” Funeral Director: “What does that mean?” Woman: “It was a sad hat.” Funeral Director: “That’s not a thing.” Woman: “You didn’t know the hat.” Funeral Director: “Please continue.” Man: “I washed up on an island.” Funeral Director: “A deserted island?” Man: “Not exactly.” Funeral Director: “There were people there?” Man: “Thousands.” Funeral Director: “Thousands?” Man: “It was a resort.” Funeral Director: “You spent weeks at a resort while your family thought you were dead?” Man: “I didn’t have my phone.” Funeral Director: “Borrow one.” Man: “I tried.” Funeral Director: “And?” Man: “Nobody believed me.” Funeral Director: “Why not?” Man: “Because they had already heard I was dead.” Funeral Director: “…” Man: “News travels fast.” Funeral Director: “So how did you get here?” Man: “I saw the obituary.” Funeral Director: “While alive.” Man: “Very unsettling experience.” Woman: “He clipped it and brought it with him.” Funeral Director: “Of course he did.” Man: “I wanted a souvenir.” Funeral Director: “You arrived at your own funeral carrying your obituary.” Man: “And flowers.” Funeral Director: “Why flowers?” Man: “It felt rude to arrive empty-handed.” Priest: “We’re ready to begin.” Funeral Director: “No, we’re not.” Priest: “Why not?” Funeral Director: “The deceased keeps interrupting.” Man: “Sorry.” Priest: “Again?” Funeral Director: “Again.” Woman: “At least attendance is good.” Man: “That’s nice.” Funeral Director: “Most people don’t get to hear that at their own funeral.” Man: “Perks of being terrible at dying.”