SING LIKE NOONE IS LISTENING. DANCE LIKE YOU NEED TO BE SHOT WITH A TRANQUILIZER DART!

Therapist: you need to set goals Me: I wanna find the Loch Ness Monster Therapist: no, something realistic Me: I want someone to love me for who I am Therapist: *hands me a snorkel*

If I can’t throw a stress ball at people who give me stress, I don’t need it!

Yesterday my 14 year old neighbor told me a story about how his dog got out and chased a delivery guy and I said "that's hilarious, did you get it on tape?" He looked at me and said "WTF do those words even mean?" ....well anyway, if you need me I'll just be over here rubbing two sticks together for warmth.

Behold! I have discovered my spirit animal... [trumpets sound]...

If you hit your head on your desk when you fall asleep at work, is it covered by worker's comp? Jeeeeest askin....

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with: Dearly Beloved:

Cute Halloween cartoon. Oldie but a goodie.

[inventor of candy corn] what if you could eat a candle?

Me: Do u have any ibuprofen? Old Man: Back in my day we just died

How are you? Please be vague.

Just blew a kiss at my reflection then sashayed out the bathroom straight into the doorframe

Boss calling me at home : Hey, what are you working on? Me: Working? Boss: Um. Yeah. What are you work..... Me: WAIT DO WE NOT GET NATIONAL CHOCOLATE COVERED PRETZEL DAY OFF?!?!?

Okay but I hope the braids on my viking helmet don't get wet!

[at work] Boss: *at my co-worker's door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk! Co-Worker: Well, you know me, always working! Boss: Keep it up! *leaves* Co-Worker: *resumes trying to unstaple his tie from his desk

My upstairs neighbors at 6 am: "AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS"

*signs into Teams meeting with very important clients* *tries to sound incredibly intelligent* *gets attacked by moth* *falls off chair*

Me: Greek yogurt should have Greek names. Friend: "What flavor you got?" Me: "Strawberry-Banananopoulos"