DONNIE ORDERS EVACUATION AFTER GRANDMA GOES ROGUE: A Tale of Two Spray Cans, 1,600 Policemen, and One Very Embarrassed Superpower So we're moving the bombers. Moving them fast. Fastest move ever. Nobody's ever moved bombers like this. We had to. Because the CIA, great people, the best, they came to me, tears in their eyes, big strong men, and they said, 'Sir, there's a threat. An imminent threat. A dangerous, dangerous person.' I said, who? Iran? China? Russia? And they said, 'Sir... an 87-year-old grandmother.' I said, wow. Wow. That's a tough cookie. Very tough. Tougher than Biden. Tougher than Macron, that I can tell you. So she bought two cans of spray paint. Two! Not one. Two. That's premeditation. That's a plan. That's a strategy. And she wanted to write on our bombers — our beautiful bombers, the most beautiful bombers, they've never looked better — she wanted to write 'Fuck Israel' or 'Nazis Go Home.' We don't know which. We're not sure. Could be both. Could be neither. Very complicated. Very sophisticated. We're looking into it. And the UK — I love the UK, great people, great king, wonderful, very stylish — but we gave them all the information. All of it. Everything. And MI6, very smart, very deadly, they went to arrest her. Or kill her. We're not sure which. It's a gray area. A big gray area. And you know what happened? She scaled an eight-foot wall. Eight feet! Jumped on a roof. And vanished. Poof. Gone. Into the night. Like a ghost. Like a very old, very dangerous, spray-paint ghost. And now the police chief — nice guy, not a winner, but nice — he says 1,600 policemen are on the trail. 1,600! Hot on the trail. Very hot. Burning hot. And no luck. None. Zero. They can't find her. She's out there. Somewhere. With the cans. Possibly two cans. Possibly one. We don't know. So we had to move the bombers. We had to. Better safe than sorry. We're winning, but we're not stupid. We're moving them to a place she can't reach. A place with no walls. No roofs. No grandmas. Total control. We have total control. And when we find her — and we will find her — she's gonna say, 'Sir, I'm sorry.' And I'll say, too late, grandma. Too late. We're winning. Thank you.

The rats are jumping ship.

BREAKING: Scientists Discover One Injection Can Apparently Do the Job of Medicine, Diet, Exercise, and God Experts Reveal the Surprising Discovery That Fear Sells Better Than Science

Yes, we are — occupied.

Humanitarian Bombing: The French Edition Folks, there are peaceful protests in France. Very peaceful. Possibly the most peaceful protests France has ever seen. Tremendous peace. Beautiful peace. And Macron—very bad job, by the way—has supposedly killed 120,000 peaceful protestors. People are saying it. People with numbers. Very big numbers. So, I said, “What are we going to do?” And Donnie (that's also me) said, “Nobody bombs France like me.” Very true. Nobody. Not Churchill, not Napoleon, not even the French. Frankly, they have excellent bombing potential, but terrible bombing leadership. Therefore, I am proudly announcing the greatest flotilla in human history: 16 aircraft carriers, 345 ships, 700,000 sailors, 19 admirals named Steve, and one extremely aggressive Coast Guard accountant. We will bomb France all the way back to the Stone Age. Maybe the Bronze Age. We’ll see. Depends on the ratings. And then someone said, “Sir, France has atomic weapons.” I said, “Really? France?” Then I was told, “Yes, sir. Quite a lot.” Very disappointing. Very inconvenient. Because you can’t bomb a country into the Stone Age when the country can send you straight into outer space. Terrible system. So now we’re considering a more beautiful option: bombing France peacefully. Very peaceful bombing. Humanitarian bombing. The French will be tremendously bombed, but in a very respectful way. And if they ask why America is doing this, we will say: “Because they protested peacefully.” Beautiful. Perfect. Totally logical. Nobody understands peace better than me. I have stopped eight wars.

Ask Grok, and sometimes he goes haywire and tells the truth.

United States of Israel—Our Values and Other Horror Stories.

Greater Israel project coming to a neighborhood near you.

Gaza Now and Then.

Genocide Through a Distant Lens

Victoria’s Not-So-Secret Secrets.

BREAKING: Stable Genius reveals the biggest secret ever — Xi is speaking Chinese.

The final alert for Europe: Russia officially declares European territory a map of military targets! The video dates from September 30, 2026: it’s an excerpt from Maria Zakharova’s press briefing in Moscow: "European factories that produce weapons for the Kiev regime are legitimate military targets for Russia; one should not believe that military factories located outside Ukraine and intended for that regime will be safe; anyone who thinks so is mistaken. European countries are no longer content to merely help, they are fully participating in the conflict by opening weapons factories and joint ventures, and this delays a settlement instead of bringing it closer." In the face of this warning that places European territory on a map of targets, the warmonger Emmanuel Macron must urgently open diplomatic dialogue for peace, withdraw from this escalation, stop exposing French industries to relentless aid for Zelensky’s Ukraine, and place Emmanuel Macron under arrest to halt a policy that unjustly fuels the war instead of stopping it!

Oh, mother, won’t you buy me a Mercedes-Benz?

Apocalypse now: Forget Nuclear War. It’s the Fat Hookers Who Got Us.

Markets Panic After America’s Inner Child Throws Another Tantrum

The show must go on!

Yes, you are.

The plot thickens.