Popcorn O’Neal

When an emergency room patient requests a different room … Girl you were just in the waiting room for 5 hours, do you really think there are other rooms available??

A nurse just told me his annual goals are to drink $2,500 worth of hospital milk and to spend a full work week in the bathroom. He keeps track of both these things.

A patient has informed me that I am a “tough old geezer”

Totally thought a suppository was a gummy bear today and it’s a good thing I sniffed it first.

I would not be a good Robert

You wouldn’t think it’s possible to injure your knee with a bowl of oatmeal but here I am

It’s very bizarre when people say, “have a safe flight.” I’m not in charge of that.

Me, “Hi I’m Jennifer” Patient, “Fuck you Care Bear!”

I have stuff that goes under my eyes that is supposed to make the bags go away / make me look less tired. However, this stuff just seems to add a sparkle to the bags so now the area under my eyes looks like this:

Guess what my pants look like after eating a turkey melt while driving

“Patient denies intent to cut her ear off, expressing a desire for divorce instead” #Saturday

Human on TikTok paid $10,000 for 2 Harry Styles tickets and all I can think about is how I would explain this phenomenon to my father who still has a cell phone plan that charges him 10 cents per text

Got a new hairbrush but it hurts my head so I will not be brushing my hair for the foreseeable future.

There are people who use serums to make their eyebrows grow and I’m over here trimming these unruly caterpillars with a pair of scissors

My cafeteria stalker came up to me, placed a piece of pork in my bare hand, and said, “try it, it’s great”

A patient has informed me I am overpaid. He might be correct.

Nurse aid 1: “He was born in 2000. How old does that make him?” Nurse aid 2: “16” WHAT

Me after returning from 4 days of solo travel: Dang I really need a self care day

80% of middle aged men look like my cousin Jason

There’s nothing being more humbling than being 34 years old and asking the man at the pump next to you how to make the gas pump work