Parent Association

It’s possible to nurture independence in your toddler while maintaining attachment, trust, and safety. There’s a video that’s gone super viral this week. Maybe you’ve seen it? It shows a father and his toddler son walking down a path that is blocked, at a point, by a set of three low-hanging ropes. Dad steps over them easily, but they’re right at waist/chest level for his son. The father turns around to see how the toddler will navigate the obstacle and the little one lifts his arms, signaling for dad to lift him over the barrier. Instead, dad silently turns his back and walks away. Distressed, the toddler yells for his father and begins attempting to navigate the ropes. As he does he becomes entangled - at which point dad returns, picks the toddler up, places him back where he started, and again turns his back and walks off. After some effort - and several more distressed vocalizations - our hero finally does manage to make his way to the other side (at which point the father applauds and returns to congratulate him). The reaction has been split - with many praising the father for encouraging independence and problem solving and others less enamored. Count me in the second camp, but not because I disagree with his intent. The thing is that it’s possible to nurture independence without withdrawing safety, support, and encouragement. Contrast that video with this one of a toddler working hard to overcome an obstacle of her own. The challenge: descend a set of outdoor stairs. Both videos depict parents encouraging independence and problem solving. But where one parent goes radio silent, physically distances himself, and creates a needlessly stressful situation, the other stays in close proximity, providing reassurance and verbal encouragement… (before improvising an amazing “happy dance” song). Promoting appropriate levels of independence is a worthy goal (in both instances). But the approaches we take make a difference. Note that the mother here doesn’t intervene physically, leaving her toddler to navigate the challenge entirely on her own. (She actually provides less intervention than the father does in this regard.) What’s more, she provides no verbal instruction, limiting her comments to simple encouragements (“Let’s do it! Come on!”). But her actions and presence send a message that says “you can do it” rather than “I’m leaving.” Her approach promotes independence, attachment, and trust all at the same time. And that’s a combination that actually encourages problem solving. (Note that at the end of the video her daughter climbs back up the stairs to try the whole thing over again.) Be like this mom. This video - which is far more deserving of viral status - shared to IG by asheybashy.