Paul Macken

Yesterday I went past the old house I used to live in. I asked if I could look around for old time's sake. They said ‘No”... Parents can be so heartless at times…

My wife came indoors and said I've got blisters all over my hands from the Broom. I said take the car next time. She hit me...

I'm not saying times are tough but today I go to the $2 shop to collect my lay-by...

You can't get a drink in Saudi Arabia, but you can get stoned anytime...

Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees…

The bottom line is that people don't see the big picture at the end of the day when it comes to cliches...

A dyslexic terrorist has stormed London zoo ... He has taken 6 ostriches...

I was going to name my first child "For Legal Reasons", but I just heard on the news that children can't be named For Legal Reasons.

You know some of my friends scoffed at me when I told them I'd one day learn the secret of invisibility. If only they could see me now…

What to have for dinner? Chicken is foul...venison is dear...and cutlets aren't much chop...

"If you had one piece of advice for someone thinking about cutting off their ear, what would it be?" Vincent Van Gogh: "What?"

Mark Knopfler left the fine art auction room empty-handed, because they wouldn't let him have the Monet for Nothing…

Without doubt my favourite Robin Williams movie is 'Mrs Fire'…

My dyslexic cousin joined a devil-worshiping cult and sold his soul to Santa…

How ridiculous...someone tried to tell me I have attention defi...something...

Told my Doctor not to mention weight loss...so he told me I need to grow to 7' 2"...

If I had 50c for every maths exam I've failed, I'd have $4.32 now…

I've been experimenting with breeding a racing deer. People say I'm just trying to make a fast buck...

The answer isn't in the bottom of a bottle.....at least, none of the ones I've checked so far...

I used to make sandcastles with my grandad. Until my grandmother ruined it and took the urn away...