
ALT DAMAGE. Her teddy bear eloped with her mother. Her father went to buy flowers for himself on Father’s Day and never came home. Her grandma was a wastepaper basket. She was raised by staplers. Her skin was deathly white. Her birthmark was the shape of Africa. No one explained anything to her. She excelled at school until she was abused by her own calculator. She ran away from home to join a troupe of travelling accountants. She could balance a Filofax on her head and yawn at the same time. Audiences loved her. She married a man called Jerry, who turned out to be a hat-stand in disguise. She contracted a disease transmitted by celibacy. She slept in a violin case, smoking rosin. She lost all pleasurable sensation in her ears. She drank to forget. She drank to remember where she’d left her bike. You met her during the winter. She said, “I need someone to save me.” You did what any sensible person would have done. Caroline Bird
























