It was the first instant message that resulted in a full sentence. bbc.com/news/uk-england-esse…

The would-be wizard entered a bank and said, "This is a stick up!" bbc.com/news/uk-england-leic…

The dog license finally came in the mail today. The timing was perfect because we went out for a walk and got pulled over.

After the Deep State's success getting the @Chiefs a win at #SuperBowlLVIII I heard the @Mets are trying to set up Pete Alonso and Lady Gaga. #TaylorSwift #SuperBowl2024 #

Humanity wiped out in 250 million years? That's really optimistic. ksl.com/article/50740545/new…

#tuesdayvibe #homeownership

The argument against abortion is only to solve the nation's labor crisis! This makes sense. washingtonpost.com/business/…

Hey @StephenAtHome, loved your monolog but you really missed an opportunity by not using "Mission: In-pocket-able" @colbertlateshow

Republicans only want a national divorce so they can celebrate 2 Christmases. #NationalDivorce

The Foo Festishes #SexyRockBands

Close but no cigarmageddon. #wednesdaythought bgr.com/science/a-massive-as…

The Democrats woke up this morning sore after leg day. #StateOfTheUnionAddress #sotu2023 #standingovation

When announcing his retirement, #TomBrady truly looked deflated. #Brady #BradyRetires

The only timed I dreamt of being a professional athlete was when I realized I could retire at 45. #wednesdaythought #BradyRetires

The #DoomsdayClock moves to 90 seconds to midnight, signaling more peril than ever. And just as when any clock is showing that close to midnight, you will be able to find me hiding in bed, cry under the covers. #tuesdayvibe

To all the procrastinators out there: I wish you a very merry Christmas! #FridayFeeling

Funeral home owner Megan Hess jailed for illegally selling body parts. This proves once and for all that crime doesn't pay. In fact, it cost this woman an arm and a leg. washingtonpost.com/nation/20… via @GoogleNews

"It's like chopstick knives, When all you need is a fork" - Early draft of Ironic by @Alanis, probably