Here is my brand new song! I put a lot of work into this one and I hope you give it a chance! youtube.com/watch?v=JI2Aj62I…

#Blind #comedian reads lips #deaf #disability #disabled #standupcomedy #comedy #funny #lol #haha #jokes

When my girlfriend & I were laying down for bed last night, I didn't say "goodnight." I said "#rest in peace." She loved it so much she stayed up half the night shaking. #vss365

My house has a crawl space. It's the room my girlfriend puts me in when I'm being a crybaby. #vss365 #cry

When I went vegan 2 years ago, I didn't do it to #save the planet. I went vegan to follow my true passion--ruining family BBQs. #vss365

I decided, from here on out, I'm only going to #drink at weddings. So if I'm not invited to a wedding every 2-3 days I'm going to die. #vss365

I called my old mortgage company looking for #closure. They said "Foreclosure is what got you here in the first place." I'm no good at court ordered goodbyes. #vss365

My therapist has been encouraging me to be more #empowered and independent. So I took the hint and stopped going to therapy. Let me tell you... He was WRONG. Or I misread something. I don't know. #vss365

I don't brush my teeth for a few days BEFORE I go to the dentist because I want them to earn that money.

My girlfriend told me she likes to move slow to build #anticipation. I said "That's fine, but I'm getting kind of sick of it taking us 6.5 hours to get to Walmart." #vss365

My girlfriend asked me "What's your #safe word?" Me: "Uhm... I'm not down with this. I'm going to leave before things get... weird." Her: "That's too many syllables." #vss365

Sometimes when I'm trying to write a joke I get #distant and try to be alone with my thoughts. I had to go all the way out to the woods for this one. #vss365

I feel like my comedy career is on the #brink of taking off. I just hope it doesn't end like the Space Shuttle Challenger mission. #vss365

Isn't it frustrating when you're reading a page of a novel and you lose your #place? Last time I was trying to read a book I was served with an eviction notice. That was a plot twist I didn't see coming. #vss365

A wise woman once told me "Just because you were born an accident doesn't mean you were born a #mistake." Me: "Weird pep talk before my first day of kindergarten, mom." #vss365

I went to a friend's wedding last July. After the wedding, the bride and groom wanted everyone in attendance to release a #dove as the newly weds exited. As everyone released their bird, I was the only one there holding a candy bar.. #vss365

I can, in fact, confirm that there is no rest for the #wicked. I'm a real estate agent, and I get no sleep when the housing market dips. I've had more than one home crash down on me. #vss365

I have #lost a great many things since starting comedy: friends, money, dignity. So I guess being a standup comedian is like being a drug addict except all that pesky "feeling good" nonsense. #vss365

Girlfriend: "You're my #star." Me: "I'm bright and beautiful?" GF: "You're a gas giant." Me: *stomach rumbles* #vss365

I cleared my internet search #history so my girlfriend wouldn't see it. I wasn't looking up anything sketchy. I just don't want her to know I can't spell the word restaraunt. #vss365

MY KEYBOARD IS LIKE MY GIRLFRIEND'S CAR. IT'S A STICK #SHIFT. SORRY ABOUT THE ALL CAPS. I REALLY NEED TO BUY SOME KEYBOARD CLEANER. #VSS365