Hi all, We have had to change the requirements for applying for SLT positions in The Academy. Now that there are no Gemmas or Julies under the age of 40, those names have now been replaced by Chloe and Danielle. Thanks x

Hi all, Due to many pupils taking this week to go on holiday, we are looking for volunteers to go to Center Parks, Benidorm, Antalya and Haggerston Castle to teach the kids who think they’re getting away with it. There’s no extra money but we’ll sort out your bus fares. Thanks x

Hi all, We would just like to point out that “Adaptive Teaching” is a real thing and we haven’t just started using it because nobody can spell “differensiation”. Thanks x

Hi all, We have noticed your shoes are looking a bit tired, so we’re introducing compulsory daily polishing of all footwear in the staffroom while reflecting on your appraisal targets. Brown shoes are strictly forbidden to anyone Not SLT and should never be polished. Thanks x

Hi all, Mr Johnson, the new classics teacher has pointed out that our Academy's motto, "Si vobis non placet, ite in malam rem!" doesn't mean “Hard work will reap rewards”. It will be removed from all Academy correspondance and property over half term. Thanks x

Hi all, Tina has kindly volunteered to lead our new Relationships and Sex Education Training Sessions. Feedback from her previous “open-door policy” sessions suggests the content will be unusually broad. She says attendance is compulsory for single male staff under 50. Thanks x

Hi all, Our social media accounts have been hacked and a fake letter about the school closing due to an “outbreak of nits” has appeared. We will be open for teaching as usual next week, and we don’t often spell “Academy“ with a “K”. Thanks x

Hi all, Mr Johnson, our new Head of Behaviour, is putting on a session to show new employees The Willows Eye Roll. This is Step 1 of our new 67 step behaviour policy and needs to be perfected by all by Monday. Thanks x

Hi all, You should now all have a new timetable. We are delighted to announce that every teacher now has a free period. Unfortunately, due to a miscalculation, it is the same free period, Wednesday 5, and that’s when we’re having a fire drill and behaviour training. Thanks x

Hi all, We’ve finally paid the stationery suppliers and will have books, pens and paper delivered to The Academy early next week. Pupils will no longer have to work on toilet paper, although the Art Department’s Bayeux Tapestry project has been described as “absorbing”. Thanks x

Hi all, we are looking into really stretching some of our brighter pupils with Active Reflective Strategies Enhancing Higher-Order Learning Experiences. If you‘d like to join Mr Johnson by looking into ARSEHOLES, he’d love to get you involved. Thanks x

Hi all, I've just been on a course at our Academy Trust HQ and learned all about the new phenomenon called VAK. Why has nobody told me about this before? It’s amazing! I've emailed you all my notes and I expect to see everyone including this in all lessons from Monday. Thanks x

Hi all, This week is Year 9 Science Week. 9A will be learning about pressure using Boyle’s Law, 9B will learn about Newton’s 3rd Law of Motion and 9C Hooke’s Law. 9Z will be making Coleslaw. Thanks x

Hi all, Last night’s Staff Well-Being Outing was a success. We met a bloke in Spoons who said he would have loved to have been a teacher. As we’re an Academy, he doesn’t need a teaching qualification. He starts on Monday. SLT. Had on his own blue suit and brown shoes. Thanks x

Hi all, Following feedback that the new “Wellbeing Wednesday” initiative wasn’t working, we’ve replaced it with “Productivity Thursday”. Staff will now spend time completing supervised marking until 6pm and we will check that they are smiling as they complete it. Thanks x

Hi all, We have six new EAL students starting at the Academy on Monday. There are two from Ukraine, three from Somalia, and one from Middlesbrough. Please do your best to make them feel welcome. Thanks x

Hi all, Following feedback about rising stress levels, we are starting a wellbeing initiative: daily mindfulness sessions. These will take place during PPA time, while covering for absent colleagues and after you’ve finished marking the exams that were due yesterday. Thanks x

Hi all, Please congratulate Mr Johnson on becoming the newest Assistant Associate Assistant Associate Vice Principal’s Assistant’s Vice Principal. He will be off tomorrow to get fitted for a shiny blue suit, a weird skin fade haircut and some scruffy brown shoes. Thanks x

Hi all, Following a review of recent progress data, we have discovered that 9Z have broken The Academy record for consecutive lessons completed without anyone learning anything or even bringing a pen. They have been added to the Hot Chocolate Friday Rewards List. Thanks x

How it started and how it’s going…