@MsSarahGuzzardo

Cartwheeling the fine line between stupid and clever

instagram.com/mssarahguzzardo/
Joined January 2009
  • Tweets1K
  • Following430
  • Followers4.1K
168Media
What was my favorite “reaction gif” as a child? Oh Timmy no. When I was your age we had to respond in person, immediately, and we had only three choices— tiny violin, slow clap or jerk off motion. That’s it. 3 choices. You made the call and you made it fast.
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Thank you to the doctor’s office parking lot for this absolutely unactionable advice
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Sarah Guzzardo retweeted
Brooks Otterlake@i_zzzzzz20 Feb 2024
Regulators have given the green light for me and a buddy of mine to merge into one guy
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Sarah Guzzardo retweeted
h@ipodmacbook31 Jan 2024
doing dishes and had the thought “the sink helps you with water”. such a hauntingly dimwitted sentence to produce that im actually a bit frightened now. there’s no way the brain that produced that thought is capable of making something of my life. time will tell
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May we all be as thankful for the little things as my 4-year old was upon receiving this “Hot Cocoa Train" shirt Kid: A train!! I love it! Me: Yeah buddy and do you see what it’s carrying? Kid: [awestruck] ....Dirt!... [overwhelmed with joy].... and EGGS!!!!!!
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If this happened to me I would never breathe a word of it to ANYONE. I would burn and bury this secret like a thrice revived horror movie serial killer. I would repress the memory of it so deep I’d forget large swathes of my own childhood and I would be GRATEFUL for the oblivion
Variety
@Variety18 Aug 2023
Veteran sportscaster Sage Steele has accused the late Barbara Walters of assaulting her backstage during an appearance on "The View." "She...looked at me and got close and elbowed me, and it pushed me back into the wall and the trash can." bit.ly/3E8NM1n
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“Liking yachts” is a psyop or prank rich people are playing on us cmon. They could do literally anything they want and they’re going to… bob up and down all day like lil sunbaked rubber duckies??? Grow up
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Obviously exercise is first on this list but gotta admit I did not see “daily habit” #2 coming…. onE SiMpLe LiFe hACK 🤪 cnbc.com/2023/08/03/8-habits…
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7 year old wanted to hear a song from “a Minions movie” (there are 5) did not know lyrics, title, melody or where the song occurred. He said it went “duh duh da duh” and I said “…I don’t know HOW this could be but is it… the Mission Impossible theme?” Sherlock could never
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Men will literally create a timeless hit song out of a chill melody and a instructional list of 50 ways to ghost someone instead of going to therapy
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🎶”Don’t need to discuss muuuuch” k cool hey Lee? Maybe take the key you’re dropping off (thx btw glad you at least have a sense of moral responsibility to the..landlord?) and use it to unlock the buried and unspoken secrets of the human heart that supposedly exists inside of you
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Spending every minute of the summer beet red and sweating angrily in jeans because I flat out refuse to let the sun win. Absolutely OWNING the sun daily by allowing myself to become a savory human sous-vide until I emerge, glistening, into autumn’s embrace.
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Choosing the Male/British voice for Siri in my attempts to create a Jeeves-ian dynamic between us continues to pay INCREDIBLE dividends as when this morning he classed up the joint by solemnly agreeing to play the “Wreck It ‘Rafe’” soundtrack for my kids
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I'm sorry to hear that
The Hollywood Reporter
@THR28 Jun 2023
Liam Neeson can't stop driving or his family will explode in the first trailer for #Retribution
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Jokes about people dying are so fun cause if they work, you made some people laugh! And if they don’t, no big deal, you only stripped the paper-thin skin of human empathy off the stark grinning skull of your online self for unrealized heehaws and chuckles. So it’s win-win, really
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I’m usually a normal, regular side-sleeper but maybe once a month I open my eyes and find myself greeting the day in full ‘Han-Frozen-In-Carbonite’ position and I guess I’d just like to know…what the fuck
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Great news guys, as of this morning I’ve apparently invented a new wake-up position. It’s called “The Sideways Dracula” and YES it looks as cool as it sounds 😌
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Listening to a traffic report in a city I don’t know is hopefully the closest I will ever get to experiencing a psychotic break and I am..not a fan “Yeah we've got a jam up on Bipbap so watch out on 472 or Berrywin 5, you’ll hit old Robonawetontownville & be stuck at Lollyton" NO
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(Very) Unpopular (But Correct) Opinion: paying for a blue check on THIS website at THIS time is silly…BUT we should ponder whether paying for content/services/social media with money is one way to avoid paying with our privacy, attention spans & the totality of our offline lives
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First of all: wowww ok well, upon reread, the kidlit of my childhood was perhaps a bit more intense than I had recalled oops
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Secondly: After I read this passage aloud there was an extremely long and quiet pause in the dark room before my almost 7 year old finally— hesitantly and bemused— piped up to clarify: “…that was one of…the…COOLEST things he did?????”
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Sarah Guzzardo retweeted
Brendan O'Hare@brendohare30 Jun 2017
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you're having them for dinner
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