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Tonite's MANNIX episode: 'The Loosening".

In the next issue of General Hooray, Canada's only celebrity magazine, we ask curmudgeonly but cuddly professional wrestler Killer Kowalski "other than cauliflower, what's your favourite kind of ear?".

Yep, that's me in Canadian Tire's fall experimental hats catalogue. I'm all decked out in the Butter Knife Dynamo. My nephew Chip Xanadu sports the Vulture Intimidator, while Alderman Bub Hotplate looks manly in a perfectly-felted Le Corbusier Spare Room, a tribute to penthouse apartments. Order now for that man in your life who has everything, but now regrets it!!

Wonderful reunion luncheon yesterday (at Tony Ontario's Turf War Restaurant) of the 1930 graduating class from Mt. Pleasant Cemetery High School. Most of these fellows were on the football team with me, the Fighting Euphemisms. Contrary to popular belief, our cheerleading slogan was NOT 'We will bury you'. That was the motto on our fathers' business cards.

Sad day as Zsa Zsa Gabor's Molten Lava Museum closes its doors in Leaside, a victim of the social taboo against hydrogen sulfide. "When I was a little girl, my sisters and I used to dip our dolls' legs into the lava flowing behind our family bowling alley in Budapest. I wanted to bring that joy to the people of East York. But it is not to be.". Miss Gabor has very kindly donated leftover lava to the City of Toronto Public Works Dept., so when you see that annoying pothole suddenly glowing, you'll know who to thank!

Ambitious cosmetic podiatrist Kirk Tenderloin (Michael Landon) sees #Hollywood's obsession with Bible-themed movies, and crafts the perfect heist: every Roman sandal they need, all sitting in a Cucamonga warehouse, ripe for the picking. But to get past the guards, he needs the hypnosis skills of penny-ante psychic Mrs. Dorothy Lauderdale (Joan Crawford). Uh oh -- she wants his wavy hair for some kind of kooky ritual. Will he pay the price and reap the leathery riches? Find out in OPERATION OPEN-TOED, opening Friday at the Imperial Six.

Last chance kids! With #LabourDay upon us, the City of Toronto-ordered seasonal conversion of ice cream trucks into conveyances serving discriminating gents of a certain age is almost complete. Instead of annoying merry-go-round music, patrons will be lured truck-bound by a recording of Lee Marvin's dialogue from THE DIRTY DOZEN. Watch for them wherever the high-waisted & Bovril-loving congregate!

My Hollywood insiders tell me that the next #007 will be itsy-bitsy Monkee Davy Jones. Bond girl Venus Flyopen will be played by sexpot Billie Jean King, with the dynamic Barry White starring as villain Compound Interest. Due to Jones' short stature, SPY ON MY THIGH will only be released in 16mm, sadly ruling out a run at the Imperial Six. #JamesBond

Let the bells ring and the banners fly! Today I'm opening Toronto's first walk-in toupée humidor, Les Lids, designed by me and built by hairless (to avoid any conflict of interest) architect Frank Lloyd Writhe (no relation). No longer will the scalp-bereft men of our city need to store their luxurious toppers in a moldy Eaton's shopping bag at the side of the bed. Drop by for free Tahiti Treat and complimentary shirt collar widening.

Finally! Alderman Allan Lamport's School For Elevator Operator Small Talk is closing for good, as its ersatz elevator cabs made of balsa wood and shoe polish, a curriculum of Lampy's insufferable 'get a load of him' corny banter, and uniforms with Boer War-era dandruffy epaulettes, constituted a mockery of the grand tradition of staring forward in silence. Its 'campus' was a ventilation shaft in the CNE Shell Tower, which will now be used to train seagulls for the annual Air Show.

One of my 1937 hits. A film so powerful in its narrative energy, it was known to damage film projectors!!

With the new school year on the horizon, and an aging crop of slithering brats and stinky delinquents waiting in the wings, I'm hereby expanding the City of Toronto Truancy Squad (known to some as The Unpleasantables). Recruits must be diabolical, impervious to spitballs, kind to their mothers, and able to spot a ruse from 500 yards. I'm also extending the squad's jurisdiction to include bowling alley employees, cotton candy factory workers and bumper car repairmen, notorious shirkers all. You'll wear the fedora with pride -- and with toupée tape, to thwart pranksters.

Meet the Mumblerson Octuplets, celebrating 50 years as stock photo models, prized by Toronto ad agencies and slacks manufacturers alike for their irrepressible verticality, ethereal quality of sameness and their near-certain availability at all times. From left to right: Benito, Math, Timmy-Tim and Oculus (holding their sainted mother's priceless porridge trophy), Pewter, Sam-Antha, Prickle, and Steve, seen here in their Leaside 'Weeds of the World' garden.

Sad day, as Toronto's last William Frawley cardboard cutout store, Bendable Bub's on Pape, closes its doors, a victim of social refraction, and of nepotism in the interlocking cardboard easel industry.

Planning on dating a philatelist? Investing your life savings in a butter sculpture school? Drinking wading pool water? Join me on my CBC Radio program as I soothe your misguided brain with a symphony of common sense and a dash of rebuke -- it's I WOULDN'T DO THAT IF I WERE YOU, tonite at 7pm

Prior to my first ascendancy to the mayoralty in 1937, I operated a modestly successful men's clothing line, but my partnership with the LCBO was ill-fated. I hadn't realized that men do not want to try on slacks in a liquor store!!

Great bargains this weekend as Canadian Specific Ltd. opens up its Leaside warehouse (soon to close permanently due to a chipmunk infestation) for a mind-bending and pocketbook-ventilating clearance sale of lassos, snoods and novelty teeth. Free parking and chipmunk flu vaccinations.

Join us tomorrow at City Hall for appropriate Dominion Day festivities, including musical interludes from tuba octet The Brothers-in-Law of Confederation, soup by Geoff, a Guess Your Dental History booth, and, as seen here, Pape Avenue's favourite combobulist, Dr. William Lyon Mackenzie Pokatigoroshek, who will hypnotize your sore shoulders into thinking they are rice pudding. #CanadaDay

Say hello to the 15th Mrs. Xanadu, Lady Prunella Orangeville-Polymer, heiress to the likely bottomless Indo-European shag rug fortune. She's preternaturally quirky, but I had City Hall's Bureau of Moral Limitations investigate, and it turns out it's just an inherited facial tic! Love wins out again!!

Designed by Gravol motion sickness magnate Dean Slacks, built by CNE Tilt-a-Whirl repairman Eddie, and decorated by defrocked Group of Seven painter Jimmy 'Paint Chip' Drumlin, City Hall's new subterranean Rotunda Rotisserie Restaurant spins a menu that will ensure your meal is centrifugal -- or your money back!!