Cookie Monster

I'm more confused than sperm in an asshole.

Exit twitter close laptop. get into bed. unlock phone. check twitter...

That FML moment when your Capri Sun doesn't want to loose its virginity.

My sink looks like I’m playing Jenga with my dishes.

Dear Math, Im tired Of finding your 'x', accept the Fact that she's gone! Move on Dude

The last time I touched a breast it was in a KFC bucket.

I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet.

Dear "cool people", They didn't name a candy after you, did they? Sincerely, Nerds

A burp is just a fart that took the elevator.

Those days when you wake up in the morning and you suddenly hate everyone.

You know the music that plays when Mario dies?... SO BEING PLAYED AT MY FUNERAL!

Boyfri(end) Girlfri(end) Fri(end) everything has an end except fam(ily).

Poking holes in your parents condoms so there's someone else to do the dishes.

Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy! But here's a condom, so fuck me safely.

Mom: Why are your eyes so red? Me: I was smoking weed with my friends. Mom: HA! Friends! Go take your allergy medicene. Me: Ok... (._.)

5 things I'm not lazy at: 1) Eating. 2) Sleeping. 3) Surfing the net. 4) Watching T.V and 5) Drinking.

"I have sexdaily! \(^.^)/" "No, John its dyslexia." "Oh. (._.)"

Never hit a man with glasses...unless he's being a little bitch. In that case, slap the shit out of him.