When I heard U could become a sperm donor by post I came in a jiffy!

My mate bought a waterbed to spice up his love life. Didn't work though his wife and him drifted further apart...

Personally I would rather the politicians went on strike... That would save so many lives and make the world a nicer place

My wife said I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta

If you see your glass as half empty Pour it into a smaller glass and stop bitching 😁

"Hey doc, do ya think I'll live long and have a healthy New Year?" He replied, "I seriously doubt it, Mercury is in Uranus right now." I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology bullshit." He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

Wishing you all a phosphorous and peas full 2024! Regards, Autocorrect

Everyone is gifted - it's just that some people never open there package.

Yesterday they were looking for volunteers to be ventriloquists... So I put my hand up

Breaking news. Gloucester Police are warning local residents about the activities of a cross-eyed burglar. They are urging anyone who spots the intruder outside their house and peering in through their windows, to warn the people next door.

awww bless ‘em

When you’ve seen one shopping centre you’ve seen a mall

I asked the girl who works in the pet grooming parlour out to dinner. She couldn’t make it, she was washing her hare. 🐇

A round of applause for the person who invented the double entendre. I’d love to give them one….

I got fired from the candle factory because I refused to work wick ends

Sent my hearing aids off to be repaired 3 weeks ago and I've not heard anything since.

Chinese takeaway – £27.50. Petrol to get there – £3.25. Getting home then realising they didn’t give you one of the containers – riceless.

Why was the snowman looking through the carrots? He was picking his nose!

Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem☃️🎄

My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. She had a history of violins.