COMEDIANS 364 DAYS OF THE YEAR: “My career sucks, I’m broke, I can’t get on that podcast or into that club.” COMEDIANS POSTING ON NEW YEARS: “So many amazing things happened this year, and if you don’t believe me, here are pictures of me standing next to B list celebrities!”

My 2 yr old daughter wanted to take her pet rock to bed and I said no and she screamed, “I wanna snuggle with rock!” And then my 41 yr old wife said “I wanna snuggle with @therock,” and then started laughing hysyerically. For the last time Dwayne, stay away from my family!

✡️🕍

Epstein, Puffy & Donald Trump #standupcomedy #epstein

“I never went to Epstein’s Island. Because I was too busy going to Freak Offs.”

Dear good people at @tiktok_us my account was hacked and I can no longer access it by phone or email, as they were changed, and it’s not even showing up on the app. The handle was @momandel and I put my heart and soul into those crowd work clips. Please help me get it back!

On second thought, maybe it’s a good thing Elon’s 47 kids have never met their father.

Divorced Dads are a menace! youtube.com/shorts/yPA_GPOrF…

Why does Thomas The Tank Engine have to learn a lesson every episode?! He’s already a child being forced to do hard labor on some random island! Just let him live! cc: Sir Topham Hatt

That’s what I told you on my birthday!

Listening to my 80 yr old dad breakdown the NBA playoffs to my 78 yr old mom. Cool to know that after 50 plus years of marriage people can still know nothing about each other.

Parenting Hack 🤣 #shorts #sketch youtube.com/shorts/-j-XER88V…

Did the Pope really die or was he just relocated to avoid a law suit?

I don’t really feel this way. Right? youtube.com/shorts/I21M1WRuh…

I’m performing at @TheComedyStore tonight, or so I told my wife so I can get out of the house. Probably just gonna sit in the car in the driveway and listen to a podcast. See you there!

Tesla or Subaru? #sketch

My daughter is sick and miserable unless Thomas The Tank Engine is on in which case she feels fantastic WTF