Labour Baroness Ayesha Hazarika conducted a perfectly neutral interview with Labour Minister Yvette Cooper on Sky News this morning and pulled out two shocking, but completely unrelated stats. The British armed forces currently only have around 180,000 personnel, and there are over 430,000 people aged 16–24 claiming PIP in England and Wales alone. Hazarika and Cooper reached the same alarming conclusion: this proves Russia is about to invade the UK. Tory MP Helen Whately is in full agreement with them on this issue. She revealed on Twitter that the scandal goes deeper than we dared imagine: many if not most of the children claiming DLA go on to claim PIP as adults. For some inexplicable reason, their disabilities don’t miraculously clear up on their 18th birthday. It just so happens that my kid has a disability, but I’m not accepting excuses from him. He’s only two, but I’ve already told him that if he doesn’t learn to walk by the time he’s 18, he’s joining the army. As you can see, I’m a responsible parent. Since I’m a TV superstar, I don’t need to claim benefits for my kid, but I like to smugly look down one those who do. However, I reserve most of my ire for disabled adults. I scream at anyone who parks in a disabled bay that they don’t look disabled enough for a blue badge. I then remind them that I pay for their car, even though they actually pay for it themselves. It’s amazing how lifelong disabilities turn people into massive scroungers. As Helen Whately noted there is “a clear path from child DLA to PIP to a lifetime on benefits.” Obviously, we must get our young people off the benefits conveyor belt, and given that we’re crying out for grunts to throw into the meat grinder, the solution is obvious: Going forward, Fit for Work assessments must ask if the claimant can squeeze a trigger. If the answer is yes, their claim will be denied and they’ll be given a place in the military. Yes, those kids in wheelchairs wouldn’t last a week on the front line, but the same would be true if they could walk. What matters is that the bloke who runs our military said we need to start making sacrifices to defeat Russia, and I vote that we sacrifice disabled people who refuse to work. It’s the only way to cut the welfare budget—I mean, save the country.