Megan Phillips

I used to think the childhood game Memory was just prep for matching socks on laundry day but turns out it’s also finding dumbbells at the gym #whoknew

I like to think of anti-depressants less as “happy pills” and more as “don’t kill yourself pills.”

Driving thru the Interior main takeaway: big lakes, cheap gas.

We really need to give ourselves more props for taking showers.

Is life without an air fryer even a life?

Finally got on the @EEAAOA24 train. Loved it etc. but main takeaway is there is an alternate reality where Halloween is made with hot dog hands and suddenly I want to watch scary movies.

Where were you the first time you heard Satisfied from Hamilton?? 😍

Soooo… #hair was written by a Canadian. LET THAT SINK IN.

Isn’t it nice we can wipe our noses and cough in public again*? *the guy sitting beside me seems to think so 😒

Is it just me, or is it weird that people without uteruses get a vote to what people with uteruses can choose to do with what’s inside their uteruses?

Let’s be clear: I AM pro-murdering babies.

From now on I am only tweeting from space. #ElonMuskBuyTwitter

For the amount of jokes I’ve squeezed quoting “the first rule of _____ is we don’t talk about ____”, watching fight club just the once has been a great ROI. 💅🏻

Just added reverb to a Hard Rock Guitar midi track and this is the closest I will ever get to having a penis.

The paint mixer lady really doesn’t appreciate how great my set went tonight, but I had to catch @HomeDepot before they closed. #thisis38

Ok, sorry, which is it — violence is ok? Or punch-down jokes at someone’s condition is ok? Just would love to know what Facebook statuses to Like instead of doing something about nuclear holocaust or imminent climate change. Thanks everyone! (Unless you’re wrong of course)

You know I’m feeling cheeky when I put my right sock on my left foot.

I’m a very compassionate person - I’ve started Liking my own tweets just so they don’t feel lonely.

I know you can have a spirit animal, but how about a spirit fruit? Because mine would definitely be an ambrosia apple 🍎 #ijustlovethem

Judging from my bathroom after emptying my diva cup, I would make a terrible serial killer.