Mean Waiter

It's hard being this beautiful.

It only takes one shift back to ruin a three-week vacation.

There’s always that one coworker who texts right before the shift trying to get it covered.

Of course I don’t care.

Training new girl: you must be polite, firm, fabulous, and emotionally distant.

Last night this lady was so rude I disowned her like her mother should have. I guess she waited on herself.

Know your audience: my female coworker and I switch tables constantly. She takes straight men and I take straight women.

I just can’t stand at the table and watch you read the menu.

When awkward dates try to include you in the conversation.... Nope, you’re on your own here.

Dinner service last call is a polite reminder to leave, not the time for a round of shots and another cocktail!

“Can you get our server?” “Ma’am, I’ve been waiting on you for the last hour.”

Satan sent me, his only son, to suffer so you all could learn some goddamn manners.

Fighting over the check at the table is not a classy look people. Do I have to teach you everything?

Last week I waited on a celeb who slipped me her card at the beginning of the meal. At the end her friend was so nasty because the check was already paid for. Bitch stop coming for me I don’t actually care who pays.

Pro tip: if you really want to pay you’ll give your card at the beginning of the meal and not fight with me just to try and make it look like you want to pay.

Once I got into a fight with a woman who yanked and pinched my arm because she wanted to pay and the guy slipped me his card. I scolded her back to childhood. I’m sure it was embarrassing in front of her friends.

When people do tap me I make it super awkward by looking surprised and saying “did you need something?”

It’s never okay to touch me.

I know my manager keeps bottles of wine in her locker.

Of course, the actual queen is me.

Our hostesses are such goddesses that I know it scares the people a little.