At least three of my kids are funnier than me. https://xitter.cf/t.co/TKorTRQdMa
St Charles, MO
Joined November 2020
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Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
When you are a super hero you need a secret identity and that secret identity is usually selling insurance.
—Ryan, 7
The high today is 88 degrees, but I’m wearing jeans and a hoodie. It’s September first. We can’t keep catering to you forever, Summer, geez.
If a guy uses a stud finder he’s required to point it at himself and make beeping noises. It’s in the Man-ual.
Mama Needs A Coke retweeted
"I'll see you later today" I whisper, as I pack a sandwich in my kid's lunchbox.
If you don’t believe in the mental load you aren’t carrying it. Now go pick some up—that shit is heavy.
Mama Needs A Coke retweeted
The audacity of children to burst from your body like the kool aid man and then tell you that you’re stinky while they’re covered in dirt and peanut butter
Mama Needs A Coke retweeted
him: what video do you keep watching, that song has been playing for the last five minutes
me, watching a lady pour buttery noodles into a vat of cream sauce on repeat: um, it’s porn
Mama Needs A Coke retweeted
Told my kids that either they stop fighting or at least make it more entertaining, so I'd say summer vacation is going great
Mama Needs A Coke retweeted
6: why does J have two mommies?
Me: some kids have two mommies, some have two daddies, some have a mommy and a daddy… all families look diff-
6: I wish I had two mommies
My husband:
Saw my youngest moving his arms up and down really fast and when I asked what he was doing he casually replied, ‘oh, just trying to fly like a bird,’ and I really admire his optimism.
Mama Needs A Coke retweeted
Me: *is a strong, capable professional and father*
Also me: *cries during every episode of Bluey*
Mama Needs A Coke retweeted
[an hour into bedtime]
Me: it’s really late… no more talking!
6: ok *starts singing*
Mama Needs A Coke retweeted
In all my 12 years of parenting I’ve never felt more pressure than when one of my kids comes home from school with a planted sunflower seed and expects it to grow by tomorrow
Mama Needs A Coke retweeted
I asked my husband how his dental appointment went and he told me he spent hours with two men in his mouth so he feels stretched out
I’ll be describing all future dental appointments this way
Mama Needs A Coke retweeted
Little kids will ask why you're crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like "ok can I go finish my drawing?" Yeah go ahead, Dexter