*holds gun to head* “I’m gonna jump!”

Ate a cheese dog outside a karate place listening to men scream. It was cathartic

The acting in early 2000s Disney movies is so bad, it’s just like porn.

If I see a guy in tie dye at phish I assume it’s his first show

I think 20 dollars will always be a lot of money to me.

I have ants in my house. I just killed all but one on my counter and told him “go tell the queen it’s fucking on”

Weird how every politician retires a billionaire. I had no idea public service was so lucrative.

Do republicans fight with each other online as much as liberals do?

women make fathers. Think about that.

I love how phish fans don’t give a shit about Bert Kreisher

Women with big floppy tits love the renaissance fair.

Anyone who’s deeply online has BPD…

Everywhere I go in silverlake there’s a group of clucking hens (rich white women) 5 feet away from me gabbing their tits off and it takes every fiber of my being not to scream “shut up! Just shut the fuck up for second. I’m trying to think”

So, let me get this straight…a year feels like a second and 2 weeks feels like forever? Wth?

Wait how can a margarita cost 17 dollars and a 20 percent tip be $4.75???